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Most of me absolutely loves this song. I first heard it on one of the 80′s comps I purchased during junior high. It wasn’t initially familiar but the mysterious vibe, what I would later come to recognize as “indie” or “80′s alternative” or “guitar and vocals”, really drew me in. I still have fond memories of long family road trips, rocking my Panasonic G-Shock, and getting lost Under The Milky Way.

Water Resistant, 40 Second Shock Protection, 1-bit MASH digital-to-analog converter, XBS Bass Boost, Rubber Buttons…WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

But there’s a memory that will always slightly taint this song for me. My ex-best friend: Daryl Waits. You see, one day I was listening to the comp containing “Under The Milky Way” with Daryl. He enlightened me to the fact that his creepy, sadistic step dad was obsessed with this song. He didn’t know why and didn’t dare ask his dad for fear of a belt whoopin’. I’ve always wondered why a mysterious father-figure, someone quite different from a hill-bombing teenager, would love this song.

***Disclaimer: The name of the aforementioned’s been changed to protect my throat from being slit.

Ok, so this post was supposed to be about the The Church and why you should enjoy their hit single.  However, I’ve decided to not be stingy by keeping Daryl’s memory for my own. I’m a generous person and feel that he should ruin for you as well

I want you to imagine that Daryl has moved into your home. He’s sleeping in your family room on a futon he bought at Wal-Mart with a bad check. While sitting/laying on that futon he passes time playing Grand Theft Auto 3 on one of the four PS2s he bought at Wal-Mart with other bad checks. Every single button on every single controller from those Playstations sticks because Daryl’s diet consists solely of Tahitian Treat Fruit Punch and Sour Patch Kids. And he has hammer thumbs like Megan Fox which drive gummy globs deep into plastic crevices.

Never search “hammer thumbs” on Google with SafeSearch off.

During Daryl’s tenure as unwanted guest, “Under The Milky Way” mocks you on repeat from the Hi-Fi in your living room. Under normal circumstances you could just switch the system off…but you find it’s impossible. The stereo’s power plug and on switch are both frozen place by a Sour Tahitian Industrial Strength Bond.

Daryl continues on living in your family room. Only now he’s bought a Bow Flex with a credit card he activated using your name and SSN. He’s lifting every day, with more and more and more weight. Daryl soon buys a second Bow Flex because he’s bored with maxing out the squat capacity for a single machine. This man is in your family room, simultaneously squat thrusting on two bow flexes. Daryl’s becoming a hulking, sticky, stinky mess that can’t be moved from your domicile.

To make matters worse, he’s started adding Everclear to his daily case of Tahitian Treat. So, you now have a hulking, sticky, stinky, drunk mess lounging on a futon and stressing the support beams in your living room while passing bad checks at every business in your town. Grain alcohol hangovers leads to pissing in the corner every morning instead of making the short trip to the bathroom. Of course you try confronting him about the growing yellow stain but he only slurs obscenities and throws PS2s into the drywall in response.

And your stereo doesn’t tire, and the verses keep echoing:

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And then, one day, Daryl says he’s joined the Navy and will be out by the end of the week. You’re ecstatic but also confused. But after a little thought it just makes sense: he was looking for a place where he could earn praise for sculpting his guns while maintaining full-body stickiness.

Let’s be buff and sticky together, fellas! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

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Click here to download Under The Milky Way 12″ to 320 kbps MP3

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Final Note: There’s a strange dolphin-like squeal at the very beginning of the track. It only lasts 5 seconds. I did a low pass filter at 16 khz for that duration of the song to prevent listeners from freaking out in dog-whistle fashion. Hell, you might not even notice it. But if you do, don’t worry…you’re not imagining things.