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Michael, we need to talk.

Time-traveling message sent to Michael Jackson

September 10, 1979

Quincy Jones’ Pool Party

Dear Michael,

I would like to start this letter with congratulations. “Off The Wall” is truly a masterpiece. It’s taken you clear from the shadow of The Jackson Five and made you a man all your own. Years from now children will see your video for “Don’t Stop ’Til You Get Enough” on VH1 Classic and be forever changed. They will say, “Man, Usher was really skinny when he was a kid. What mom? That’s not Usher? That’s Michael Jackson?! No way. No fucking way mom I will not watch my tongue, you lying bitch. That is not Michael Jackson! You’re not my real mom!”

Yes, you are on the path to unparalleled success. You’ll outsell every other musician that ever lived, accumulate unimaginable wealth, and garner the praise and respect of the entire world. But, for the love of everything that is good and decent, please stop whatever the fuck you’re doing and listen up. Seriously, or you will slowly but surely morph into this boy-tickling hobgoblin: 

Yes Michael, soak it in.

Ok, I didn’t really want to have to do that but it’s for your own good. I’m sending this message because that creature up there is what I want to prevent. However, the reasons for this terrible transformation aren’t entirely clear. No one can pinpoint the exact moment when you stopped being a talented black musician and became a soulless, brilliantly white devil….it kind of just happened before any of us could legally do anything about it. Maybe you’re thinking about using some strange cologne that uses the pituitary gland of a human fetus for an extra kick? I don’t know, that was just a wild guess.

What I can do is give you a glimpse of what is to come with the hopes that one of these tidbits of premature hindsight will spark some change within you. Let us pray.

1) You will befriend a chimpanzee. He will be named Bubbles.

Now, don’t take this lightly. Yes, Chimpanzees can be intelligent. They can also be adorable, especially when you pop a vintage flying helmet on their tiny heads.

Don’t let your guard down, Michael!

But chimps can also rip your entire face off in 5 seconds flat!

It’s important that you don’t let your guard down around presumably friendly mammals. Bubbles may just be a cute little chimp in cute chimp clothing. And maybe he won’t rip off your face.

Instead, he’ll rip out your humanity!!!

2) You will play dancing monkeyboy for a megalomaniacal, chimp-loving actor.

“Doesn’t he remind you of Bonzo in that cute little outfit, dear?”

Nobel Prize-Worthy

3) You will do the impossible and make wedding receptions even more completely terrible. So insanely fucking terrible.

4) You will be menacingly pursued by pint-sized actor Joe PesciShortly after you’ll turn into a goofy looking Italian concept car.

5) You will give everyone a general sense of the creeps.

6) Your creepiness will be the butt of rotund comical yarns.

Please Michael, take this warning to heart. I mean really like wearing my novelty Michael Jackson T-Shirt:

But I wish I could have seen you Moonwalk well into your 90s.

>>>Click here to download OFF THE WALL on 320 kbps MP3 from vinyl <<<LINK REPEATEDLY REMOVED BY LATOYA JACKSON…CHECK BACK IN THE NEAR FUTURE FOR DEVELOPMENTS

Tracklist

A1 Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough 6:02
Arranged By [Horns], Flugelhorn, Trumpet – Jerry Hey
Arranged By [Percussion, Rhythm, Vocals], Backing Vocals, Co-producer, Lead Vocals, Percussion, Written-by – Michael Jackson
Arranged By [Rhythm], Electric Piano – Greg Phillinganes
Arranged By [Strings] – Ben Wright*
Backing Vocals [Additional] – Augie Johnson , Jim Gilstrap , Mortonette Jenkins , Paulette McWilliams , Zedric Williams
Bass – Louis Johnson
Concertmaster – Gerald Vinci
Drums – John Robinson (2)
Flute, Saxophone [Alto, Tenor] – Larry Williams
Flute, Saxophone [Baritone, Tenor] – Kim Hutchcroft
Guitar – David Williams (4) , Marlo Henderson
Percussion – Paulinho Da Costa , Randy Jackson , Richard Heath
Performer [Horns] – Seawind Horns, The
Trombone – William Reichenbach*
Trumpet – Gary Grant Read More »