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Here’s a few fun facts about Mick Jagger:

1) Mick Jagger and David Bowie may or may not have boned. I think all the real proof you need is in the following video.

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2) Mick’s on-stage moves and grooves are thanks in part to the fact that he’s triple jointed. This is an extremely rare condition that affects only .0001% of the population and 95% of Mick Jagger. His knees go this way, that way, and that way…and his pinkies do all sorts of gross, inappropriate things.

Even more remarkable is the fact that his penis has the mobility of an African elephant’s trunk while maintaining an erection that registers a 10 on the Mohs hardness scale.

And it can grab things. Like this following reenactment of a lazy night on the Rolling Stones tour bus.

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3) The Falklands War in 1982 between Argentina and Britain wasn’t a dispute over land claims. Rather, it was Argentina’s response to the Rolling Stones’ blockade of Tattoo You LPs from reaching Argentinian shores. For some reason Mick firmly believed, and still believes, that Argentinians are “a bunch of silly wankers,” and refused to offer them his sweet licks.

The reason for this position is somewhat unclear, but many rock historians site the strong possibility that the stupid half-albino-mustachioed lead singer of Argentinian rock group Serú Girán may have had something to do with it.

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4) In 1977, shortly after creating a space-age lubricant for the Space Shuttle at Edwards Air Force Base, engineers Daniel Wray and Erich Drafahl started work on an even more advanced lubricating substance. It was commissioned by Mick himself for use after his upcoming shows, which would eventually become the album Love You Live.

In past tours, during numerous post-concert lovemaking sessions with girls of questionable moral fiber and age, Mick encountered a serious problem. At the peak of sexual intensity the object of his amorous intent would, time after time, burst into a magnificent shower of fire and fleshy embers. It’s believed that Mick’s elephantine member was simply hitting too many hot spots of the female anatomy. Maybe one day women will evolve to withstand such murderous pleasures. One day.

So, in response, Mick put Daniel Wray and Erich Drafahl hot on the case of solving the dilemma of catastrophic hot crotch. Through these two engineers’ trials and many errors we now enjoy the fruits of Astroglide, which can be found at your friendly neighborhood smut shop.

I must emphasize errors in Mr. Wray’s and Drafahl’s efforts. One clinical trial with an early formula of the lube proved too slippery for even Mick’s willy. Latest reports sighted the unlucky test subject sliding his way through the San Francisco Pass in a stretch of the Andes between Chile and Argentina.

Where he, and his ice rink coin sack, will slide on into next is anyone’s guess.

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San Francisco Pass: Terrain not friendly to the old brain pouch.

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5) Not everyone can have moves like Mick Jagger.

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Click here to download the vinyl conversion of Tattoo You

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