Monthly Archives: October 2009

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When I was a little kid my parents loved scaring the crap out of me.  The act would evoke the most devilish, unquenchable laughter together as man and wife.  It was as if a monstrous, invisible feather furiously caressed their funny bones in unison.  All while I was huddled in a corner crying like a little bitch, frozen in mortal terror.

One of these particular events is why I’ll always remember this album.  I think I was probably five because my brother was just old enough to carry his fro-topped bobblehead upright around the house.  Anyway, we were playing with Hot Wheels in our primary color-slathered bedroom on our Pac-Man rug when suddenly we heard bone-numbing shrieks wafting from the hallway.  We opened our bedroom door to find the house completely dark and empty…except for a sea of terrible wailing.  We worked our way out through the darkness into the split-level entryway and I cried out, “MOM, DAD…WHERE ARE YOU?!?”  I stood locked in fear.

Terrible thoughts ran through my mind:  They’d been kidnapped.  I was all alone.  Who would make my pancakes in the morning?

“BOO!!!!!!”

My parents snuck up on me and boxed my ears with the classic Halloween battle cry.  I contemplated shitting my pants but instead started bawling–boy did I ever cry.  And my parents just laaaughed and laaaughed with a knee slaps interjected for comedic effect.

Why would they do that?  To the both of us?  Well, my brother probably doesn’t remember, I’m pretty sure he was on autopilot until the age of 12, but I sure as hell do.  It was Chilling, Thrilling Sounds Of The Haunted House that really chiseled it into my memory.  Maybe my parents didn’t read the disclaimer on the back of the record sleeve….

The Disneyland catalogue of children’s records is one of the finest in the world.  The primary audience for Children’s records is the age group from three to eight years.  Most of the records in the Disneyland catalogue are made specifically for that group although there are some whose appeal reaches into the early teens.  This particular Disneyland record, CHILLING, THRILLING, SOUNDS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE is not intended for young, impressionable children from three to eight. It is intended for older children, teenagers and adults.

Those bold and capitalized sections in that excerpt were printed just so on the album sleeve.  Those words jump right out at you, basically gouge your eyes.  So, they probably knew exactly what they were doing when they dropped the needle on this devilish disc.  They knew I’d carry this baggage well into my twenties.  They knew.

What a couple of assholes.

Just kidding, I love you mom!

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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD CHILLING THRILLING SOUNDS ON MP3

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Tracklist

Side 1

1. The Haunted House

2. The Very Long Fuse

3. The Dogs

4. Timber

5. Your Pet Cat

6. Shipwreck

7. The Unsafe Bridge

8. Chinese Water Torture

9. The Birds

10. The Martian Monsters

Side 2

1. Screams and Groans

2. Thunder and Lightning and Rain

3. Cat Fight

4. Dogs

5. A Collection of Creaks

6. Fuses and Explosions

7. A Collection of Crashes

8. Birds

9. Drips and Splashes

10. Things in Space

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One of the best ways to test your sound system is to pop a quality stereophonic sound effect disc onto your turntable.  If it makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck then you’ve got your Hi Fi set up just right.  For some people it may be jets, for some people it may be a cooking disc.  For some creeps it might be monkey mating calls.  Whatever the case the right disc, if ampilified properly, will turn you to jelly.  If not, well honey, you got problems.

For me the golden arrow is Sports Cars In Stereo.  It was recorded back in 1958 during the golden era of racing.  This Grand Prix saw dangerous speed paired with a huge void of  safety precautions.  Most of these guys didn’t even buckle their lap belts after their mad foot dash to start the beginning of the 12-hour race.  It just took too much time to click it.

Mad dash to the cockpit at the races start.

Mad dash to the cockpit at the race's start.

These guys were batshit crazy speed freaks who didn’t give a damn about the frivolities of crumple zones and roll cages.  I mean wouldn’t you be willing to risk your life if you got to drive top speed with reckless abandon in one of these:

Ferrari 250 TR

Ferrari 250 TR: Raced at Sebring

From a spectator’s standpoint the best part of the race had to have been the smell and the sound.  5 billion octane exhaust fumes and ear-drum imploding top gear passes must have been absolutely intoxicating.  God damn I wish I knew Dr. Emmit Brown.

Your clothes won’t get stained with gasoline perfume listening to this record but if you crank it until your fuses melt you can totally feel the thwomp of every downshift down to your bone marrow.

Featured Automobiles

Corvette – Ferrari – D Jaguar – Lister-Jaguar – Aston Martin – Maserati – AC Bristol – Austin-Healey – Triumph – Porsche – Lotus – Alfa Romeo – Abarth-Fiat – Osca – DB

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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD SPORTS CARS IN STEREO TO MP3

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Tracklist (with descriptions from back cover)

1. Technical Inspection

The process by which each car is authorized to compete.  Brakes, tires, fluid leaks, general running condition, etc., are checked.  At Sebring (which is run under rules of the F.I.A.), such other items as headlights, working top, seat size, and windshield are also checked.

2. Slow Corner

A 90 degree right-hand turn.  From top speed, drivers shift down through the gears to second for this tight corner, then shift back up for the next long straight.

3. The Esses

The difficult and dangerous bends where the incredible Ferraris and Jags and Porsches slam through the gears, sliding from one side of the road to the other, tires screaming, and zoom away.

4. The Straight

Here the cars emit the loudest noise of full acceleration as the pass through all the gears.  Note the different shipting points of the different cars.

Dottie West: Top Notch Country Doll

Dottie West: Top Notch Country Doll

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Dottie West – Careless Hands

I let my heart fall into careless hands
Careless hands that broke my heart in two
You held my dreams like worthless strings of sand
Careless hands don’t care when dreams secure

You’ve brought me joy and oh, I loved you so
But all that sunshine didn’t make roses grow
If you don’t change someday, you’ll know the sorrow
Careless hands that can’t hold on to love

You’ve brought me joy and oh, I loved you so
But all that sunshine didn’t make roses grow
If you don’t change someday, you’ll know the sorrow
Careless hands that can’t hold on to love

 

Country music stars love to love.  They love to sing about it.  They love to boast about it.  They love to have a baby waiting in the wings at each tour stop.  It’s the fire behind 9 out of 10 songs.

And they love heartache just as much as warm nights of snugglin’.  Country music is like a great twangy Easter egg hunt that never ends and instead of quarters and dollar bills in the eggs they have shells full of cheatin’ hearts.

Never get involved with a country music star.  No matter how much shiny fabric or hairspray they can afford don’t fall for their refined square dance mating rituals.  It will only end in breakups frosted with baseball bats through your windshield.

But feel free to get nasty with the girlfriend of a country music star.  They’re real loose and get killer deals on local motel rooms.  Plus they never insist on rubbers.  It’s a win/win situation.

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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD DISC 3

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Be sure to also check out Disc 1 and Disc 2

Tracklist

Side E

1. George Hamilton IV – She’s A Little Bit Country

2. Dottie West & The Jordanaires – Careless Hands

3. Hank Thompson – I’ve Got A Humpty Dumpty Heart

4. Hank Locklin – Geisha Girl

5. George Jones – Window Up Above

6. Bobby Bare – (Margie’s at) The Lincoln Park Inn

7. Barry Sadler – The Ballad of the Green Berets

8. Hank Williams – Your Cheatin’ Heart

9. Sonny James – Young Love

10. Moon Mullican – I’ll Sail My Ship Alone

11. Don Gibson – Sea Of Heartache

12. Connie Smith – Ain’t Had No Lovin’

Side F

1. Hank Locklin – Let Me Be The One

2. Connie Smith – Once A Day

3. Carl Belew – Hello Out There

4. Jim Reeves – Mexican Joe

5. Roger Miller – King Of The Road

6. Bobby Bare – Four Strong Winds

7. George Hamilton IV – Abilene

8. Nat Stuckey – Cut Across Shorty

9. Sammie Smith – Help Me Make It Through The Night

10. Leroy Van Dyke – Walk On By

11. Dickey Lee – Never Ending Song Of Love

12. Jerry Reed – When You’re Hot…You’re Hot

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After listening to Disc 2 a few times I’ve come to the conclusion that this selection was hand-picked by none other than super pimp Nudie Cohn.  He’s the feller in the picture here perched atop the firearm-adorned Caddy convertible wearing the sequin-slathered suit jacket.  You see, Nudie is the legend in country western apparel design.  He built by hand hundreds, maybe thousands, of suits for the cream of Country’s crop through the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  And he was a one-of-a-kind car customizer.  That Cadillac in the picture was Cowboy-Uped by Nudie himself.  Yes, he was an all around rhinestone badass.  I mean if you can make Elvis shine like this you must have a terrifying set of cajones:

Elvis' $10,000 Gold Nudie Suit

Now what leads me to believe that Nudie hand-picked the songs in this album is that Porter Wagoner is featured 3 times on this disc alone.  If you search images of Porter Wagoner on the internet it is nearly impossible to find a pic of him not draped in a Nudie original.  It just doesn’t happen.  Now, what I’m thinking is this:  Nudie passed away in 1983.  This happens to be the same year that the original pressing of this album was released.  There is a 99% chance that Nudie put Porter Wagoner on here in full effect to keep the Nudie legend alive in song through Porter.  That is so clever, Sir Nudie.  Clever til the very end.

Hello, Im Porter Wagoner. Do you like my Nudie?

Hello, I'm Porter Wagoner. Do you like my Nudie?

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Click here to Download Disc 2 to MP3

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Be sure to also check out Disc 1 and Disc 3

Tracklist

Side C

1. Hank Williams – I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry

2. Hawkshaw Hawkins – Lonesome 7-7203

3. Bobby Bare – Detroit City

4. Sheb Wooley – That’s My Pa

5. The Carlisles – No Help Wanted

6. Chet Atkins – Yakety Axe

7. Skeeter Davis – The End Of The World

8. Eddy Arnold – Bouquet of Roses

9. Porter Wagoner – The Carroll County Accident

10. Hank Snow – I’ve Been Everywhere

11. The Browns – The Three Bells (Les Trois Cloches)

Side D

1. Hank Locklin – Please Help Me, I’m Falling

2. Don Bigson – Blue, Blue Day

3. Hank Snow – Don’t Hurt Anymore

4. Ferlin Husky – Gone

5. Red Sovine – Giddy-Up-Go

6. Hank WIlliams – Saw The Light

7. Jim Reeves – Blue Boy

8. Tennessee Ernie Ford – Sixteen Tons

9. Porter Wagoner – Green, Green Grass Of Home

10. Jerry Reed – Amos Moses

11. Porter Wagoner – Eat, Drink And Be Merry (Tomorrow You’ll Cry)

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The title of this album is a very bold claim.  Usually I’d just notch this up to trumpery and smack the dick of the record label in the toilet seat. But this one sticks to its guns. So much so that it shot a hole right through my olive grey boots.  I’d sue but they only cost 11 bucks and it wouldn’t hold up in small claims court because by all accounts this compilation doesn’t exist.  Except for a few broken links for eBay item requests I couldn’t find anything on this.  So lucky for you you’re treated to a creep pic of a Country Bear for an album cover until I can revive my ancient digital camera.

I was lucky enough to pick this up at a thrift store in Newport, KY for 60 cents last week and have been itching to post it ever since.  It starts off strong with Johnny Cash’s “I Walk The Line” (albeit with a bit of an early skip hiccup) and continues into the perfect balance of classic country’s upbeat instruments with dog dying lyrics.  I can’t think of anything that can make you so content and suicidal at the same time.

I can just imagine my Grandma Jan listening to this right after its release in 1986 in her trailer in the absolute middle of nowhere in Wyoming with her half wolf/half huskie named Skoal as her companion.  Suddenly she gets an unexpected ring on her phone that awakens her fold of meticulously arranged Precious Moments dolls: it’s God and he wants to know why in the Hell she’s late for roll call.

Her response is simple: Good Country lives forever.

Download All-Time Greatest Hits of Country Music vinyl rip to MP3 HERE

Be sure to also check out Disc 2 and Disc 3

Tracklist

A1 – Johnny Cash – I Walk The Line

A2 – Sons of the Pioneers – Cool Water

A3 – Elton Britt – There’s A Star Spangled Banner Waving Somewhere

A4 – Roy Acuff – Wabash Cannonball

A5 – Hank Williams – Lovesick Blues

A6 – Eddy Arnold – Cattle Call

A7 – Jimmie Rodgers – Blue Yodel No. 1 (T For Texas)

A8 – The Davis Sisters – I Forgot More Than You’ll Ever Know

A9 – Tex Ritter – High Noon (Do Not Forsake Me)

A10 – Vaughn Monroe & The Quartet – Riders In The Sky

A11 – Stuart Hamblen – This Ole House

B1 – Eddy Arnold – Anytime

B2 – Homer & Jethro – (How Much Is) That Hound Dog In The Window

B3 – Chet Atkins – Country Gentleman

B4 – Pee Wee King and his band featuring Redd Stewart – Slowpoke

B5 – Porter Wagoner – Misery Loves Company

B6 – Hank Snow – I’m Movin’ On

B7 – Don Gibson – Oh Lonesome Me

B8 – Jim Reeves – He’ll Have To Go

B9 – Slim Whitman – There’s A Rainbow In Ev’ry Teardrop

B10 – Connie Smith – Just One Time

B11 – Ernest Ashworth – Talk Back Trembling Lips

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Ok, so you have to get this one. No excuses. As far as remix albums go this may be the best in all the land.

It’s Excellent stuff.

Preview  of the opening track on Last FM here

Download the Versus vinyl rip here

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Click here to download I Get Wet vinyl rip

Ok, so I might have spoken too quickly about classical music being the only way to get your pump on.  Andrew W.K.’s first album I Get Wet is the most unapologetic pie-in-the-face of guitar, drums, and synth ever pressed on vinyl.  The song titles are hokey…hell, three of the song titles have the word PARTY in them.  The lyrics are also hokey, his white shirt and white pants are hokey.  Any song could be mistaken for the next.  Yes, it has everything working toward a trip to the corners of Migraine and Geg Reflex Avenue.

But luckily it works because of one simple principle:  AWK might be the coolest dude on the face of the earth.  Not in the typical cool dude, Mick Jagger in his prime sense.  Nor is it the cool of a badass nonstop party dude that can’t be hampered by a brick-to-the-face bloody nose.  No, by literal definition he might be considered a pretty nerdy dude.  He learned the keyboard and guitar by hours spent in the basement because he didn’t have any friends to ride bikes with.

AWK is a cool dude because he’s just so damn get-up-and-go positive.  Usually super sunshine smiley people are just plain annoying.  Ya just wanna put them in a potato sack and smack em around with a pipe.  But somehow AWK avoids this with some sort of musty magic woven in his crusty white tees.  It’s something you have to experience in one of his shows.  They seem like they’re some sort of joke the entire time but it’s a side-splitter your favorite uncle tells and no matter how much you hear the stinker at Thanksgiving  it never gets old.

Since this album AWK has gone on to tame the entirety of Japan, tour as a motiviational speaker, and even has his own show on Cartoon Network called Destroy Build Destroy where his young contestants, well, Destroy stuff, Rebuild it, and Destroy it again.  Consider it all a miracle since there was a 99.9% chance that he was going to fade into obscurity after this album.

In 2002 everyone groaned about the death of rock music upon I Get Wet’s release.  “He’s watering down the proud tradition of our holy genre!” they said.  Music critics repeatedly punched themselves in the nards with each and every AWK high kick.  Austin, Texas was burnt to the ground by an angry AWK-hunting lynch mob.

It was all in vain.  Andrew just keeps on chuggin away with more and more ridiculously triumphant music and monster side projects.  God Bless you AWK.

***Bonus! Check out Tomita’s fantastic Japanese electronic spin on The Planets by clicking here!

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Powerful classical music is the route to take to get pumped.  Forget metal, forget punk, forget crunk, forget techno.  Forget all of it and surround yourself with The Planets.  It’s almost hard for me to sit down and really fully audition this because I instantly want to form a militia and invade Canada.  Invade them with comet cannons and gamma blasters.  Just explode the hell out of them, Intergalactic Style.

And then Sir Adrian Boult made me realize how stupid that idea is with his wise words posted below.  He told me war is stupid and worthless.  It produces nothing but gooey flesh masses, orphaned babes, and really pissed off future-terrorists.  And besides, who really wants Canada anyway?

Download Gustav Holst – The Planets here

Below is a technical description of the album by the conductor , Sir Adrian Boult.  Enjoy

The seven movements of this Suite last for almost an hour in performance.  It must be re-affirmed also that the message of each movement can only be sought in the astrological significance of each Planet–it has nothing to do with mythology, and any though of the personalities of the Greek deities can only lead to misunderstanding of the purpose of the music.  Holst has given a sub-title to each with can help us more than anything else.

The work is laid out for a very large orchestra: 2 piccolos, 4 flutes, bass flute, 3 oboes, cor anglais, bass oboe, 3 clarinets, bass clarinet, 3 bassoons, double bassoon, 6 horns, 4 trumpets, 3 trombones, tenor tuba, bass tuba, 2 harps, celesta, a large contingent of percussion, organ and strings.  In the last movement there is also a small 6-part female chorus.

 

1. Mars, The Bringer of War

It is worth remembering that the composer wrote this in the summer of 1914 and so had no experience of what it describes.

A vigorous rhythmical figure permeates the whole movement against the subjects in longer notes which come and go; it is heard even in the slow middle section, as is the first the side drum and then the trumpets and other instruments remind us of it in every bar.  The piece lasts seven minutes and is planned on a broad ABA basis, al three sections rising to a climax, the second of which plunges us into the return of the main figure, fff, in a crashing unison of the whole orchestra.

I will remember the composer’s insistence on the stupidity of war as well as all its other horrors, and I feel that the movement can easily be played so fast that it becomes too restless and energetic and loses some of its relentless, brutal, and stupid power.

2. Venus, The Bringer of Peace

Nine minutes of beauty act as a wonderful contrast to the shattering music we have just heard.  Pease is expressed here by means of several different figures, first calm, then more active, and finally very slow and quiet.  The movement closes with a rich amplification of the opening.

3. Mercury, The Winged Messenger

Host has here succeeded in making the orchestra give us a perfect impression of winged lightness and speed.  The heavier instruments are, of course, silent, even in the central section (where we have eleven and a half repetitions of a six-bar phrase piling up to the only climax and receding) and we find that almost every bar is in two keys at once.  The music swings rapidly between chords that are almost as distant from each other as is harmonically possible; from this comes a wonderful sense of elusiveness as of quicksilver throughout its four minutes.

4. Jupiter, The Bringer of Jollity

Holst had a Falstaffian sense of Humour, and I can remember his description of Jupiter: “one of those jolly fat people who enjoy life”.  There is no doubt about the fun of Jupiter, and its eight minutes radiate happiness.  For those who like to see the construction of their music, Jupiter has a number of subjects, though they all achieve their balance finally.  ABACABA might perhaps be a rough scheme, though at first A and the third have two distinct sections in them, and the final repeat is quite overshadowed by a powerful reference to C.  Miss Imogen Holst has warned us against linking the slow middle section, C, with the patriotic words with which it was later associated.  The Tune as it stands reflects the good humour of Jupiter, no more, no less.

5. Saturn, The Bringer of Old Age

Miss Holst says that her father was fond of this movement.  He might well be–nowhere is music of greater penetration to be found.  The movement’s nine minutes began with a moving picture of the sorrows of slow and gloomy figure from the string basses.  This grows into a march-like tune in the brass, four flutes go on with the march in slower time–again the trumpets take over and lead us to a terrible climax ith brazen bells in addition.  This subsides for a few bars and we suddenly feel that the Sun is pushing through the clouds.  The basses play again their opening figure, but subtly transformed to show us how beautiful and peaceful old age can be after all.  Quiet trombones, strings and organs all take up the message and the movement ends with calm perfection.

6. Uranus, The Magician

It is interesting that staccato bassoons seem so exactly to reflect the spirit of a magician.  One things of Dukas’s “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” and Host’s “Uranus” as the most obvious examples and it is worth nothing that Holst, who came second, had never heard Duka’s work, or even seen the Score, when he wrote “Uranus”.  The bassoons start their exercises after three forcible repetitions of a four-note figure which permeates the movement, assailing us sometimes form the bass department, sometimes from the drums, and sometimes from the piccolo.  Three bassoons then take over, the most of the orchestra joins in gradually until a rollicking unison tune comes in all the strings.  The music is held up for a moment, and after a loud band on the big drum the four-note figure takes on the rhythm of the bassoons’ dance, and by a magical transformation suddenly becomes the background of a new tun on the tubas.  This works up to one of Holst’s supreme tuttis, and a glissando scale on the full organ casts a spell of sudden silence over the whole picture.  Harps suggest the four-note figure, another stream from everybody follows, and this chord, reduced to nothing, changes colour several times as a magician might, and the notes ppp bring us back to silence after six minutes of magical fun.

7. Neptune, The Mystic

In this final movement every instrument is directed to play pianissimo throughout, and the tone is to be “dead”, except for one moment near the end, when the clarinet plays a succession of notes which might almost b e called a tune in this otherwise tuneless, expressionless, shapeless succession of cloudy harmonies, suggesting as it does in infinite vision of timeless eternity.  We spoke of the end but this is inaccurate, for if it is possible for a piece of music never finish, this is what happens here.  A slow, irregular swing between two distant chords fills nearly every bar of the 3+2 metre, and imperceptibly we become conscious that female voices have joined the orchestra.  Soon the instruments gradually melt away, and the voices carry on with the two swaying chords, whose diminuendo is prolonged until we wonder whether we still hear them or only hold them in our memory, swinging backward and forward for all time.