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Tag Archives: 80’s

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Strawberry shortcake was created in 1977 by an illustrator for American Greetings, as in the greetings card people who also brought you Care Bears. During the following five years the Strawberry Shortcake marketing machine pumped out dozens of characters to populate a truly fruity world full of sweet adventures.

These include lovable dreamies like Plum Puddin’, T. N. Honey, Cherry Cuddler, Café Olé, Lucky Bug, Flitter-Bit, Philbert Wormly III, and the putrescent Peculiar Purple Pieman.

Most characters were packed to the brim with sugar, spice, and a pun that was quite nice. However there was one character whose story is truly tragic. Se llamo es Baby Needs-A-Name.

Let’s meet her, shall we?

Hey wait a minute, that’s not Baby Needs-A-Name! That’s just Hector being a crybaby. Stop scaring away my readers, you big crybaby!

Well who is this masked baby? Why, it’s the Phantom Pooper, making stink you wouldn’t believe. But you better believe it, brother, because it’s here to stay!

Whoa there, Don, this is a family establishment! Put some clothes on and help us find Baby Needs-A-Name!

Geeze Louise, Vaibhav, right out in the open? Finish up and help us find Baby Needs-A-Name!

You too Trish! And while I don’t agree with your religious beliefs I respect your right to worship how you see fit, ya big wethead!

You aren’t even a real baby, Reborn Rhonda! Just the extremely lifelike representation, or rather idealized fantastication, of some lonely woman! Get a life!

Baby Leroy, are you ok? Baby Leroy? BABY LEROY? Don’t worry, we’ll come back and check once we find Baby Needs-A-Name. I promise!

Gosh, Tigerbaby, you sure are cute! But I have to find Baby Needs-A-Name, stop distracting me with your vacant eyes!

Hey Baby, aka Birdman, aka Ronald “Slim” Williams, what in the heck are you doing here?! Nevermind, I’m sorry, stay as long as you’d like. Hey, you haven’t seen Baby Needs-A-Name have you? Sorry, right, I know…stupid question.

Jesus, Baby Jessica? Wasn’t that like 20 years ago or something. This is getting ridiculous. Where in the Sam Hill is Baby Needs-A-Name???

Oh, God, it’s…it’s ManBaby Steve from the Costco bulk candy department. I, oh God, yeah I threw up a little. Yep, definitely some corn on my uvula. I don’t want to look for Baby Needs-A-Name anymore. Thanks Steve. No, I most certainly don’t want to play. Yes, I know what you mean by “play.” Please go kill yourself.

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Click here to download the strangly hypnotic Strawberry Shortcake LP

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Click here for a random Rebuilt Tranny post.

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This is the first album that’s been uploaded from the monster stack of abandoned LPs I found on the corner of Silver & Alemany in EXCELSIOR, SF, CA. I have a strong suspicion that this disc, along with the hundreds of other derelict bargain discount albums, belonged to the recently deceased owner of Force of Habit Records.

Now, I can’t be for certain on this since my investigation into the last place of residence for “Braindead” Devereaux, which should have correlated with the location of my find, was pitifully fruitless at best. I just feel that anyone throwing out so many records with $1 Force of Habit stickers probably let them go them in a hurry…if you catch my drift.

So, if these were indeed your unsold and unwanted discs I thank you, sir. I will try to give this unsellable record something of a 21 gun salute in your honor.

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So, here’s a short explanation of what this album is for those unfamiliar. Mike + The Mechanics was a spinoff from the band Genesis, who had a few solid hits during the Reagan administration. Their music has little meaning to those born before 1990, but those of us lucky enough to remember Small Wonder will definitely have a piece of memory tied to Mike’s tunes. That’s about it, how’s that for a short explanation.

Here are two hits from this self-titled album. They’re truly a must have for any 80′s lover.

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CAUTION: EPIC VIDEO BELOW

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Of course, there were other spinoffs from Genesis during the 80′s and beyond. Here’s the top five spawn of Genesis, because everyone loves a list of winners.

5) Phil Collins

Phil’s probably the most highly recognized member of Genesis for the casual listener. His hits, such as “In The Air Tonight,” have been featured prominently in recent films like The Hangover. He also has an abnormally tiny bald head, not unlike that of an aging koala, which tends to brand itself within a person’s psyche.

4) Peter Gabriel

This founding member of Genesis found success with the help of John Cusack’sbeautiful but not quite young, not quite old, not quite white, not quite Japanese, not quite human, not quite animatronic face. Peter also thrust ridiculous sexual innuendos into the supple, swollen folds of a claymation vessel that red-rocketed straight to the top of the charts in “Sledgehammer.”

3) The Binding and Attempted Murder of Isaac

God and Abraham were real good buds. Well, buds isn’t really accurate. Abraham was kind of God’s little bitch. One day God said, “Hey man, you know what, kill that boy of yours if you’re really mah dawg.” Abraham didn’t really want to, but he didn’t want to be a little bitch either. So, he prepared to do God’s bidding…for God is good.

At least he tried to. After tying up his son and preparing to do a bit of the ol’ stabby stabby an angel flew down and said, “Jesus, Abraham, that old fuck’s really got you whipped, LOL!” And lo, Abraham was punk’d.

Anyway, the angel told Abraham to slow his roll and let Isaac go–God was only playin’. And then Abraham killed some ram to appease God. This made God happy, because Abraham’s god was a fucking weirdo.

Amen.

Glory! Blessed be His word!

Hallelujah!

2) The next Justice album.

Well, it’s either going to kick ass or I’ve just jinxed everything. Either way my dick is in a vice: let’s just hope it’s the vibrating sort.

1) The soundtrack for Pebble Beach Golf on Sega Genesis

This is the only music I’m requesting for my funeral. With these clean, innocent, yet sophisticated MIDI melodies my soul will soar the highest reaches of the Celestial Kingdom. No need for cremation or burial–with this divine electronic symphony my mortal husk will explode into 10,000 butterflies that will travel south on Carlos Slim’s private jet stream…

…only to be squashed by some spoiled 7-year-old kid wearing Crocs on spring break in Puerto Vallarta.

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Click here to download a 320 kbps rip of Mike + The Mechanics

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This video features “The Look of Love (Part 1)”. Part 3 from Side B of this single is a very slight variation on this theme. The USA Dub Remix on Side B is totally weird. Enjoy.

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Click here to download the MP3 conversion from the 12″

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A The Look Of Love (USA Remix – Dub Version) 7:37
B The Look Of Love (Part 3 – Dance Version) 4:17

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Please take a moment to review the three following pieces of information. The first is a video from National Geographic explaining the barbed penis that’s common among all male felines.

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The second is a photograph of dance choreographer George Balanchine viciously hurling Mourka across his posh New York brownstone. This photograph was captured by the cold lens of dance photographer Martha Swope.

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The third is a promotional poster of the original Broadway cast of Cats. It was primarily displayed throughout the subway systems of New York City.

According to the New York Times, 20% of the performers you see here died of AIDS–all of them male. One male performer later died of a “cocaine overdose” shortly after receiving word he’d been given the role of Jean Valjean in Les Misérables.

This poster was also photographed by Martha Swope.

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The question I pose to you, dear reader, is who would have wanted the male cast members of Cats dead? Of course, the direct culprit is none other than Martha Swope.

But who was funding her devious mission? Who would have had the resources? Who would have viewed sexy, virile male cats as a threat?  Who had a barbed penis with which to fuck the innocent hopes and dreams of honest Americans?

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Photo taken during the planning stages of Operation Poison Dart. The whereabouts of Peanut and Sledgehammer are unknown.

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Click here to download Disc 1

Click here to download Disc 2

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BONUS SONG

Play this at your party if you want Fun Fun, Fun Fun.

Click here to download Fun Fun

1. Bailo Bolero (Bolero Mix)9:20 with sexy vocals

2. Bailo Bolero (House Mix) 11:23 of sexy beats

I’d sworn off Ska for the rest of my life…until I listened to this record.

Flashback to 2002

The memory of when Ska went on my permanent shit list is still very vivid. During college a friend had invited me to a Reel Big Fish concert at Bogart’s. I told him I’d have to think about it because of one major factor: Bogart’s is easily one of the worst venues of past, present or future. Its bouncers are usually current or former members of a lame straight edge “gang” named, laughably, Courage Crew. The members are composed of nerdy dudes who found themselves bullied incessantly throughout high school and, as a result of their endless wedgies, joined a “gang” after graduating or dropping out to feel tough.

I use the term gang with quotations because the terms team, organization or club can’t be used to describe a bunch of dudes who roll 20 deep and pick fights with a single guy because he and one of their slut girlfriends used to neck behind Lee’s Famous Recipe Chicken in Covington. And they aren’t into cooking meth, trickin’ hoes, doing anything illegally profitable, so the unquotationed term gang really isn’t appropriate either. Until I find a good descriptor for their douchey little group the quotations will have to do.

ANYWAY, I didn’t want to see Reel Big Fish in the first place and especially didn’t want to get hassled by oily sXe dudes at the shit stain that is 2621 Short Vine. However, the the tickets were free, it was my friend’s birthday and he’s a pretty swell guy so I sucked it up and boarded the Oi Oi Express.

Big mistake. Throughout Junior High and High School I’d surfed the Ska tsunami that engulfed teenage America in the mid 90s. I was listening to it all: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Operation Ivy, The Voodoo Glow Skulls, The Aquabats, Hepcat, and whatever bands were on the endless Ska compilations I bought at Best Buy. However, I never attended a single Ska concert because my Mormon parents prohibited any social activities within Cincinnati city limits, or as the Mormon bishop called it, Strumpetville. If I’d seen the terrible spectacle of live Ska at an early age I would have ceased and desisted wasting my parent’s money on Ska box sets much, much earlier.

Ok, I’ve never admitted this, even to my therapist, so I’m going to come right out and say it. I had to endure 2 hours of unadulterated and unyielding skanking at that Reel Big Fish Concert. It was much like the following video, except it was scrawny white dudes instead of Hispanic folks. And it was really dark and damp. And I was crying.

Round and round they went. And round. And round. And after a while the spinning rude boys, paired with the nauseating trumpet which spewed from Bogart’s shitty PA, made a brother wanna hurl. So, in knee-jerk fashion, I ran outside to avoid soiling the dance floor. Once outside I unleashed my vomitous fury upon the adjacent storefront of the long-abandoned Jupiter And Beyond Arcade. It was at this moment I swore, much as I did with Goldschläger after a particularly debauched Halloween, that I would never ingest Ska again so long as I lived.

Fast forward to Present Day

Last week I was down at Mole’s Record Exchange in Clifton perusing their small but sweet collection of used vinyl. I happened upon The English Beat’s Special Beat Service and remembered I was quite fond of one of their songs, “Save It For Later”. Sure enough it was on this album, so I picked it up and brought it home for a listen.

What the rest of the disc contained was a delightfully British form of early Ska. They even use an accordion…and it makes so much sense it hurts. It also includes a song from the Ferris Bueller’s Day Off soundtrack. The part you’re most likely to recognize starts at 2:16.

Last week I would have said that under no circumstances would I be listening to Ska in 2011 (with the exception of Hepcat, because Hepcat owns). But this album is telling me that 2011 is brimming with of all sorts of pleasant surprises. So, stay tuned with an open mind for tons of great music to come at Rebuilt Tranny’s Rat Rod Record Exchange.

>>>Click here to download Special Beat Service at 320 kbps

Tracklist

A1 I Confess 4:33
A2 Jeanette 2:48
A3 Sorry 2:33
A4 Sole Salvation 3:07
A5 Spar Wid Me 4:32
A6 Rotating Head 3:26
B1 Save It For Later 3:36
B2 She’s Going 2:11
B3 Pato And Roger A Go Talk 3:20
B4 Sugar & Stress 2:57
B5 End Of The Party 3:33
B6 Ackee 1 2 3 3:13

I have something of a love/hate relationship with Southern Rock. For the longest time it was only hate that boiled within whenever “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” came on the radio. This happened a lot because Southern Rock is big business in Cincinnati. Well, it was during the 90′s before the Butt Rock wave of Linkin Parks and Nickelbacks washed its poisonous spray across the United States.

When I moved here in the 1991 “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” was everywhere…I mean everywhere. Put it on STAR 93.3 Christian Contemporary and “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” would be wedged in between repeats of Michael W. Smith’s “Awesome God”.  If the rain started coming down in sheets “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” would start blaring over the emergency sirens. Call any Pizza Hut in the 513 area code and you’d get “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” as you waited to order a Stuffed Crust pizza.

But the main advocate of Georgia Satellites was definitely Wildman Walker, sports guru for Cincy’s WEBN, even back when WEBN was a legitimate broadcaster of music. For as long as I can remember Wildman’s been the voice of the Cincinnati Cyclones. He’s been there to jubilantly announce each and every power play whether the Clones are playing at Cincy Gardens or The Crown/U.S. Bank Arena (site of the tragic stampeding deaths of 12 people at The Who Concert in 1979) .

Wildman rocking with Georgia Satellites’ roadie Todd “Frog Sack” Squiggins.

During the early 90s “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” was constantly echoing through the bomb-shelter-like confines of Cincinnati hockey arenas. In between face-offs the words “I GOT SOME MONEY IN MY POCKET, IT GOES JING-A-LING-A-LING” would bounce off the scoreboard, to the ice, and then smack your face like a cold-hearted slapshot. And to make it much worse, the song would unleash some sort of primal urge hidden deep within every Cyclone fan. It was to the point of  religious ritual. Each time the song started the beautiful people of Cincinnati would rise up, raise their Bug Lights, and rhythmically flail around. Beer would spill, the aroma of loose-hold gel would waft, and the floor would slick with north-meets-south sweat. It was ugly.

Twister presents one lucky fan with the Pure Romance erotic toy gift bag of the game!

For the longest time I simply couldn’t listen to Georgia Satellites. It made me feel like a dirty, dirty redneck and drove me to cover my head with a down pillow in the relative safety of my suburban home. I just kept seeing those Cyclones fans in slow motion, with their teeth jing-a-linging.

But then a curious thing happened. I turned 21 and started visiting bars around the city. At first I drank the typical bar-newbie pussy drinks. Sex on the beach, buttery nipples, banana slammers, Bud Select….I drank the weakest of the weak. But eventually, after a steep learning curve, I graduated to Bourbon. Not whiskey, not that Jack Daniels crap, but real Kentucky Straight Bourbon. Heaven Hill, Wild Turkey, Ancient Age, Booker’s, Bulleit, Maker’s Mark, Knob Creek, Ezra Brooks, Jim Beam, Johnny Drum, J.T.S. Brown, Old Grand Dad, Old Crow, Old Fitzgerald, Very Old Barton, Kentucky Tavern, Kentucky Gentleman.

They were, and still are, all my friends. And after spending a good amount of time in their warm company I’ve learned a few important things. We’ll call these “The Way of the Bourbon”.

First, ditch the New Balances for a pair of cowboy boots. A real pair, complete with full wooden heel and toe pointy enough to ease access into a terrorist’s ass.

For advanced buckaroos only.

Second, get yourself a big ol’ belt buckle. Pick a buckle with a theme with which you can identify. If you drive a Chevy get a “Heartbeat Of America” buckle. If you like horses then by all means get a stallion; just make sure you don’t accidentally get a Shetland. Most importantly don’t get something which would compromise your manliness. Here are examples of acceptable and unacceptable buckles.

Strong theme, clean design, good proportions. Acceptable.

Seriously? No. Get to steppin’, Mr. Caruso.

Third, acquire a loud set of speakers. Minimum requirements for this are a 3-way system with a subwoofer of no less than 12″ and power handling of over 100 watts at 8 ohm. Get a copy of Georgia Satellites self-titled LP. A digital copy will do in tight pinches. Especially one from Rebuilt Tranny’s Rat Rod Record Exchange. That site always seems to have quality rips. Turn the volume up to 11. Stand in front of the speakers, dig in your heels, and absorb the sound into your belt buckle. It will vibrate quite nicely.

Finally, accept your inner hillbilly. Allow him to permeate all areas of your life. Invite him to family dinners. Let him tell a dirty joke or two. If he feels the need to laugh loudly, or comment positively on abundant cleavage, afford him the liberty. But most importantly, let him enjoy intermissions at the Cyclones games. Once you do that you’ll stop asking, “Who in the hell are the Wheeling Nailers?” and just enjoy a good roughing penalty in the decaying metropolis of the Queen City.

Correct excecution of “The Way of the Bourbon”. Note how the female fawns over the male’s wild nature.

>>>CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD GEORGIA SATELLITES ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ GOOD TIME

Tracklist

A1 Keep Your Hands To Yourself 3:26
Performer [Additional Musician] – Dave Hewitt (3) , Randy Delay
A2 Railroad Steel 4:12
A3 Battleship Chains 2:58
Written-By – Terry Anderson (2)
A4 Red Light 2:48
Written-By – Neill Bogan
A5 The Myth Of Love 4:12
B1 Can’t Stand The Pain 3:44
Written-By – Rick Richards
B2 Golden Light 3:42
B3 Over And Over 3:37
B4 Nights Of Mystery 4:44
B5 Every Picture Tells A Story 5:22
Written-By – Rod Stewart , Ron Wood

I tierd wtrinig smoe tpye of ting auobt tihs alubm but culodn’t baucese teh dance gto a thgit girp on ym ass.

Movies featuring songs from this album:

Pretty In Pink

Trainspotting

American Psycho

Married To The Mob

Hot Tub Time Machine

Salvation!

24 Hour Party People

Something Wild

Blade

Bright Lights, Big City

The Beach

D.E.B.S.

Marie Antoinette

Splendor

Désordre

The Wedding Singer

Threesome

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Click here to download Substance 1987 ripped from vinyl to 320 MP3

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Tracklist

A1 Ceremony 4:22
Producer – Martin Hannett
Written-By – Joy Division
A2 Everything’s Gone Green 5:30
Producer – Martin Hannett
A3 Temptation 6:58
Engineer – Michael Johnson
B1 Blue Monday 8:12
B2 Confusion 4:41
Engineer – Michael Johnson
Written-By – Arthur Baker
B3 Thieves Like Us 6:36
Written-By – Arthur Baker
C1 The Perfect Kiss 8:46
Producer – Michael Johnson
C2 Subculture 4:47
Remix – John Robie
C3 Shellshock 6:27
Written-By – John Robie
D1 State Of The Nation 6:31
D2 Bizarre Love Triangle 6:41
Remix – Shep Pettibone
D3 True Faith 5:53
Producer – Stephen Hague
Written-By – Stephen Hague

Most of me absolutely loves this song. I first heard it on one of the 80′s comps I purchased during junior high. It wasn’t initially familiar but the mysterious vibe, what I would later come to recognize as “indie” or “80′s alternative” or “guitar and vocals”, really drew me in. I still have fond memories of long family road trips, rocking my Panasonic G-Shock, and getting lost Under The Milky Way.

Water Resistant, 40 Second Shock Protection, 1-bit MASH digital-to-analog converter, XBS Bass Boost, Rubber Buttons…WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

But there’s a memory that will always slightly taint this song for me. My ex-best friend: Daryl Waits. You see, one day I was listening to the comp containing “Under The Milky Way” with Daryl. He enlightened me to the fact that his creepy, sadistic step dad was obsessed with this song. He didn’t know why and didn’t dare ask his dad for fear of a belt whoopin’. I’ve always wondered why a mysterious father-figure, someone quite different from a hill-bombing teenager, would love this song.

***Disclaimer: The name of the aforementioned’s been changed to protect my throat from being slit.

Ok, so this post was supposed to be about the The Church and why you should enjoy their hit single.  However, I’ve decided to not be stingy by keeping Daryl’s memory for my own. I’m a generous person and feel that he should ruin for you as well

I want you to imagine that Daryl has moved into your home. He’s sleeping in your family room on a futon he bought at Wal-Mart with a bad check. While sitting/laying on that futon he passes time playing Grand Theft Auto 3 on one of the four PS2s he bought at Wal-Mart with other bad checks. Every single button on every single controller from those Playstations sticks because Daryl’s diet consists solely of Tahitian Treat Fruit Punch and Sour Patch Kids. And he has hammer thumbs like Megan Fox which drive gummy globs deep into plastic crevices.

Never search “hammer thumbs” on Google with SafeSearch off.

During Daryl’s tenure as unwanted guest, “Under The Milky Way” mocks you on repeat from the Hi-Fi in your living room. Under normal circumstances you could just switch the system off…but you find it’s impossible. The stereo’s power plug and on switch are both frozen place by a Sour Tahitian Industrial Strength Bond.

Daryl continues on living in your family room. Only now he’s bought a Bow Flex with a credit card he activated using your name and SSN. He’s lifting every day, with more and more and more weight. Daryl soon buys a second Bow Flex because he’s bored with maxing out the squat capacity for a single machine. This man is in your family room, simultaneously squat thrusting on two bow flexes. Daryl’s becoming a hulking, sticky, stinky mess that can’t be moved from your domicile.

To make matters worse, he’s started adding Everclear to his daily case of Tahitian Treat. So, you now have a hulking, sticky, stinky, drunk mess lounging on a futon and stressing the support beams in your living room while passing bad checks at every business in your town. Grain alcohol hangovers leads to pissing in the corner every morning instead of making the short trip to the bathroom. Of course you try confronting him about the growing yellow stain but he only slurs obscenities and throws PS2s into the drywall in response.

And your stereo doesn’t tire, and the verses keep echoing:

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And then, one day, Daryl says he’s joined the Navy and will be out by the end of the week. You’re ecstatic but also confused. But after a little thought it just makes sense: he was looking for a place where he could earn praise for sculpting his guns while maintaining full-body stickiness.

Let’s be buff and sticky together, fellas! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

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Click here to download Under The Milky Way 12″ to 320 kbps MP3

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Final Note: There’s a strange dolphin-like squeal at the very beginning of the track. It only lasts 5 seconds. I did a low pass filter at 16 khz for that duration of the song to prevent listeners from freaking out in dog-whistle fashion. Hell, you might not even notice it. But if you do, don’t worry…you’re not imagining things.

Soylent green, is. Made…of people?

Hey Soul Sister,

Ain’t that Mr. Mister

On the radio, stereo,

the way you look ain’t fair, you know.

Well, I wish it was Mr. Mister on the radio, because I’d give my couch, car and cat to never hear that shitty Train song at work ever again.

Welcome To The Real World might harbor the most 80′s sound waves of all time. Everything you’d expect to hear from the decade of indulgence is there: crazy quick synth, soaring masculine vocals, unnaturally crisp drums, and totally gratuitious, unexpected guitar screams. And yes, it does sound ridiculous…but it’s also totally awesome. It instills you with unabashed power. Power that makes your fist pump, your jaw jut, and your girlfriend cover her face and shake her head in disgust.

And it contains two of the best 80′s songs: “Kyrie” and “Broken Wings”. Not familiar with those tracks? Take a look at the following videos and let the memories rush in, no matter how sticky they may be.

Behold “Kyrie” and it’s on-stage, on-tour montage. Nothing spelled success in the 80′s more than jumping really high on stage and giving high fives to roadies.

Mend those “Broken Wings” with this black and white beauty. No mournful 80′s music video is complete without a somber cruise in a classic American convertible.

>>>Click here to download Welcome To The Real World