Festival season once again reared its drunken head in Covington this past weekend. I figured I’d share a little sweet treat to celebrate the upcoming months of Hudy Delight, Goetta Balls and common-law love in the Commonwealth. Here’s a collection of traditional Dutch carnival music to creep your balls off. The album features the following jolly time instruments:
The Carillon
Introducing Willem, the star attraction for ladies' night at the Amsterdam public library.
The Music Box
Kiss your 808 goodbye!
The Barrel Organ
There are also a lot of other instruments on here that don’t seem to exist anymore in a functional capacity, at least on the first 3 pages of any YouTube or Google Image search. These include but are not limited to the canary organ, the tongue organ, and the belly organ. The weenis organ is featured on the rare 7″ epidermis-colored bonus disc for this album that, unfortunately, isn’t in my collection.
It’s my hope that someone will take this album and sample a bit of it in the worst way possible. That, of course, would be in the same vein as the following song by Mark Mothersbaugh:
The album cover was altered to say Wendy after Carlos underwent sex reassignment surgery. Note that cartoon Carlos is still male.
There are a lot of tasty fun facts about Walter Carlos. First off, he was the she that composed the Clockwork Orange soundtrack. The second is that Walter, later Wendy, is the only Father and Mother of Electronic Music. However, the most mysterious tid bit that stuck out in the hard-hitting Wikipedia article about Carlos was two curious words: Faraday Cage.
Scientific pursuits for the benefit of mankind.
A Faraday Cage is a special room that’s typically used to protect electronic devices such as industrial computer equipment from outside sources of electronic interence like lightning strikes or power surges. The Faraday Cage comes in handy for NASA when maintaining Tom Hanks’ neuronet processor during his bi-annual checkup. And, as the previous photo illustrates, it’s critical for protecting fedora-donning dumb dumbs from homemade tesla coils.
As any audiophile will tell you, the foundation of solid sound is clean electricity. Improper grounding and interference from appliances sucking your Jiggawatts can really throw a monkeybone into gears of the best-planned stereo system.
One of my apartments in Clifton during my college days had ungrounded outlets. This really played havoc on my home theater’s subwoofer by causing the most terrible buzzthumping. The only remedy was continually lassoing the connective cable around my apartment until it meshed with the friendly electromagnetic frequency of the day. Or something like that.
Getty Images just spit in your mom's hair. Pictured is Walter pre-op.
On her website Carlos’ explains how her NYC neighbor’s mood lighting would mess with her home studio recordings:
Oh, yes, those are the remote controls for the various tape machines that you see on the far left, and just above, on the meter housing for the console, is a pair of Phase Linear Autocorrelators. These were a pretty decent single ended noise reduction devices that we had to use during the late 70′s due to power buzzes that came from the light dimmers in the brownstone next door (not amusing). I’d nearly forgotten about that nightmare, since (as I just mentioned) the console is now immune to such things, and the new studio, in being a genuine Faraday Cage (conductive walls, ceiling and floor, tied to common ground) is truly free from essentially all external signal contaminants.
Carlos' Frankensteinian Sound Cruncher
Just imagine Wendy flipping her shit as she went through countless wires trying to figure out which one was the harbinger of the dreaded analog buzz. However, she couldn’t freak out too hard because violent convulsions might, ahem, rip out the stiches that kept her womanhood roaring.
So basically Carlos was and is a mad scientist. She still toils her hours away by torturing electronic equipment into screaming the desired tone in her gigantic, eletronically-inert box. But we shouldn’t fear her for, as you will see after listening to By Request, the ends justify the end. And that’s always what’s most important…right?
Download link taken down at the record label’s request, but….you can purchase this album here!
This is a throwback selection of tracks from various porn films during the 70′s. The record label contests that this disc ”is much more than your stereotypical ‘whacka-chicka’ music.” The music’s style does vary throughout the disc but always keeps embracing lovers randy n’ dandy. It’ll also bring solo males to a state of maximum plumpage during their matinée viewing of equal parts deep penetration and moist pube lube.
The titles of these tracks and the movies in which they played in are simply hilarious:
SIDE A
01. Grateful Head (from “Jaynee’s Woodstock Adventure”)
02. In My El Camino (from “The Beaver Hunter”)
03. Gus On The Bus (from “The Traveling Salesman”)
04. Sweet Juices (from “Honeydew”)
05. Special Delivery (from “Lonely Mrs. Johnson”)
SIDE B
01. Dr. Mann’s Prescription (from “Insatiable”)
02. Do You Dance? (from “Right of Passage”)
03. O (from “The Story of Y”)
04. Carma’s Theme (from “Studio 69”)
05. Malibu High (from “Ride Me Like A Wave”)
06. Two Is Better Than One (from “Rosemary Cloney”)
I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have been a porn enthusiast back in the day. True aficionados were really dedicated to the cause because it wasn’t just a keyword, a click and presto: titties all up in your face . No, no, no these men had to make their way downtown or to the closest highway off ramp and visit a theatre built explicitly for X-rated films. In this theatre of sin they sat in crusty seats with a gang of other creeps and watched “The Beaver Hunter.” It was a team effort with plenty of side-glancing and glad-handing.
I wonder if the porno patrons would get popcorn for the movie. Just imagine how hard it would be to balance a tub of popcorn on your lap with one hand while you’re playing a furious game of pocket pool with the other. You’d spill it all over your lap, you’d have grease stains soaking your nice baby blue leisure suite…Jesus, how embarrassing. Well, if you split a bucket with a friend it wouldn’t be so bad. Just wedge that monster right between the outside of his and your thighs and really dig in as a pair. Only trouble is you’d have to match a lefty with a righty and that’s a whole other story right there.
God, what it must have smelled like in there. All those mustachioed, tinted-prescription glasses-wearing hombres workin’ up a deep sweat. Tricklin’ all over the place in a poorly ventilated theatre with a roof that most likely leaked as well. Mildewed carpet, mildewed walls, mildewed man parts. Oh, the humanity.
Hopefully this video, sans music from the throbbin’ record, will get your mind off of the aroma of dewy man sack swallowed whole by cheap polyester seat cushions.
***The MP3s are now a totally new rip. I did a better job cleaning the record up both physically and digitally this time around. I think you’ll be pleased with the bombastic Japanese sound. Thanks for listening and enjoy.***
Here’s another album where you can totally judge the content by its cover. First, let’s examine the title: Rainbow Goblins Story. I’m not entirely sure what a Rainbow Goblin is or how I might be lucky enough to encounter one but by the throws of ecstasy that Mr. Takanaka is displaying I would surely like to make their acquaintance. So I’m just going to imagine that Rainbow Goblins are magical creatures that explode from your temporal lobe after ingesting magical mushrooms which, at the time this recording was made, were completely legal in Japan.
However if shrooms were to account Rainbow Goblins Story I would expect to hear a lot more giggling in between tracks on this album. This is far from the case. The audience at Budokan might be the most polite group of spectators to ever enjoy a rockin Japanese symphonic trip into the world’s most delicious technicolor daydream. There’s no whistling, no cheering, no “OH MY GOD MASAYOSHI, THIS PLAYFUL GOBLIN IS CHEWING ON MY COLLARBONE…MAKE IT STOP!” anywhere.
I think I heard “Takanaka!” yelled once by a single raucous gentleman throughout the entire recording and I can only assume that he was forced to perform seppuku in the Budukan’s lost and found by an elite security force that was on hand for just such an occasion.
Budokan Arena
And while the whole silence thing seems sort of strange I’m certainly thankful for it. This album, in true Japanese fashion, is all about precision. Now that doesn’t mean that this is a dainty stroll through Goblin Country with a soundtrack of gentle electric strumming. No, Masayoshi Takanaka shreds hard. Really fucking hard. And with the kind of technical prowess I only thought possible on a synthesizer; you could set your Seiko to Takanaka’s ax. I couldn’t discern one note that should be confused as being off key. It’s a constant barrage of super precise, super fast super badass rocking accompanied by a full crew of strings, synth, and all sorts of percussion. My only gripe is that there wasn’t a Nintendo release based on this album. It would have made a most triumphant 8-bit score.
