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The awesome album cover copy on the Environments discs never ceases to amaze me. It’s always unintentionally serious and hilarious at the same time. You can check out another one posted on Rebuilt Tranny here and here.

The following copy is from the back of the album cover for volume three.

Side 1

Be-In (A Psychoacoustic Experience)

Sheep Meadow, Central Park, New York City

April 6, 1969

34 minutes, 17 seconds

Before the terrible fire. Details below.

The 1969 Easter Be-In in New York’s Central Park has come to be regarded as a sort of high-water mark for the new almost vanished Love Generation.

The tremendously diverse crowd kept growing and gathering momentum until almost everyone marveled at this spontaneous “thing” that had taken place in the park.

This Be-In was certainly not the biggest gathering of young people to take place in 1969. However, there are many things that happened during this recording that make it a rare, magical moment.

The recording captures with honesty and total realism this particular instant in time which in retrospect seems more than a bit unreal.

Be-In  is the real experience of running barefoot in the grass on a beautiful spring day, surrounded by thousands of half-innocents exhibiting little, if any, trace of paranoia or guilt.

If you were ever at a massive, totally spontaneous gathering in 1969, we think you know the feeling we mean.

This particular disc is unlike anything you’ve heard before; we call it a “psychoacoustic” experience”. It recreates an event with such realism that it actually seems to be happening again. We think that once you experience the total immersion of this encounter, you’ll agree with us that Be-In is something special.

The following video is an example of a rare, magical moment at Central Park in 1969.

Side Two

Dusk at New Hope, Pennsylvania

August, 1970

36 minutes, 51 seconds

Imagine a warm summer night deep in the verdant backwoods in Eastern Pennsylvania.

An infinity of sound stretching out before you. The steady, yet constantly changing drone of countless tiny insects, reminding you of the serenity and timelessness of nature. For in the distance, a hound occasionally barks.

You feel as if you are a thousand miles from the annoyances of city life.

If you can imagine such a night, you pretty much know what our recording of Dusk at New Hope is like.

This highly realistic stereo sound took almost a year of location work and patient testing to perfect. In its present form, it is a perfect compliment [sic] to other natural sound recordings in this series.

In an urban setting, we think you’ll be amazed by the profound changes that take place when you play the disc as a background sound. Many people find that the sounds of night in the country are second to none in creating a setting for increased interpersonal relationships.

Dusk at New Hope can be left on for very long periods of time without inducing fatigue or boredom. Once you become familiar with the sound, we are certain that you will find many new uses for the effect.

How do you make more crickets?

Bonus copy excerpts from the album gatefold.

Be-In

Later in the day, there would be rock throwing and confrontations with the small contingent of policemen nearby, and a terrible moment when a nude dancer leaped into a roaring bonfire, but for this moment in time, frozen on a real of magnetic tape, everyone seems together and happy.

Dusk at New Hope

A little known fact about field crickets is that it is possible to determine the ambient temperature of their surroundings to a fairly accurate degree by simply counting the number of chirps in a fifteen-second period and adding forty. Thus, we have deduced that the temperature at the time of the recording was approximately 65 degrees Fahrenheit. This formula works quite well for field crickets between the temperature range of 55 degrees and 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Above and below these temperatures the cricket no longer sings.

>>>Click here to download Environments Vol. 3 at 320kbps

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Whistling is really creepy.

The better the whistling, the more unnerving it becomes. Fast forward to :30 to see what I’m talking about.

Dancing, or furiously shaking your ass, to a whistling tune is crudely animalistic.

Using body parts other than the mouth, such as the belly button, to whistle makes a brother want to puke. It’s also the leading cause of coneheaded babies.

Babies who weren’t subjected to head-smooshing monkeyshines are well aware of whistling’s hidden demon.

Yes, there’s a demon hidden within each and every seemingly light-hearted whistle.

And not even a-whistling your most uplifting hymn can exorcise that squealing demon. Nay, it will only increase the demon’s ravenous thirst for the Lamb of God’s blood.

>>>Click here to download Whistling Fred Lowery’s Creepy Album at 320 kbps

Whistling Fred Lowery

If you’ve been watching any local television stations lately you’ve probably noticed a terrible wave of slime and filth creeping into the commercial breaks. Tis the season, once again, for political attack campaigns! From now until November you get to hear all sorts of bogus statistics from bogus reports by bogus Committees or Bureaus or Centers for Goobernatorial research on Back Alley Hand Job Growth.

You’ll also have to bear witness to unflattering photos of a candidate’s opposition, preferably when the (Nancy Pelosi-worshipper/John Boehner-stroker) is eating, sneezing or squeezing out yesterday’s Pickle Loaf and Pepper Jack on Pumpernickel.

There will also be pics of confused and shriveled seniors who were duped by Washington Fat Cats into paying a penny-out-of-pocket for a Hoveround.

There will be handshaking. Oh God, will there ever be handshaking.

Pleased to meet you!

Candidates will be seen smiling, with sleeves rolled up, while rubbing elbows with factory workers to feign giving two shits about the working man. And, in some instances, those factory workers will be tragically topless.

There will be bullshit. Heaping helpings dumped on our heads from the left and the right. And before we know it we’ll all be drowning…and buddy, your vote ain’t no life raft.

So, if you’re fed up with all of the terrible, frothing political crap spewing from your television, apply a few drops of this salve directly to your ear drums. It comes in the form of common sense wisdom, poems, and jokes delivered in Southern drawl by former North Carolina Senator Sam Ervin.

If you’ve never heard of Senator Sam let me give you a real quick tutorial. He was instrumental in heading the committees that exposed the illegal and unethical practices of the two biggest dickheads in 20th Century American Politics: Senator Joe McCarthy, Founder of McCarthyism and the Red Scare, and Richard Nixon, Dickhead Numero Uno.

And, as a “Country Lawyer”, as he liked to call himself, he loved telling a story or two about good old Southern moonshine. Here’s a short one from the album.

But he also liked to stay hip with the times. Here we find him reciting the lyrics to Paul Simon’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” after giving a little prologue about what friendship is all about.

I invite you to download this album, pour yourself a stiff glass of Old Weller 107 Bourbon, and relax as your absorb a little southern comfort from good ol’ Senator Sam

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>>>Click here to download Senator Sam At Home to MP3

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A1 Zeke And The Snake 1:40
A2 Friendship 1:50
A3 Bridge Over Troubled Water 2:32
  Written-By – Paul Simon
A4 The Fault Of Conformity 1:50
A5 Southern Heroes (“Defeat May Serve”) 1:50
  Written-By – Edwin Markham
A6 If 1:50
  Written-By – Rudyard Kipling
Medley
A7.1 Grow Tall, My Son 1:23
  Words By – Loonis McGlohon
A7.2 Through The Years
  Music By – Al Ham
A8 Cousin Sue And The U.D.C. 1:23
A9 The First Amendement 1:05
A10 John And Mandy And The Strikin’ Clock 2:53
A11 Myself 0:33
  Written-By – Edgar A. Guest*
A12 Philosophy Of Life 2:02
B1 The Hymn Book And Link Shaw’s Singin’ 2:06
B2 The Old Rugged Cross 3:45
  Arranged By – Al Ham
Written-By – George Bennard
B3 Thoughts On Religion (“More Faith In Honest Doubt”) 2:18
  Written-By – Alfred Lord Tennyson
B4.1 If I Had A Hammer 1:45
  Written-By – Lee Hays , Pete Seeger
B4.2 America The Beautiful
  Arranged By – Al Ham
B5 Comments: Elbert Hubbard, W. C. Fields, Josh Billings 0:47
B6 General Jim Leach And The Mount Vernon Hotel 3:10
B7 Country Ham 0:10
B8 Jus’ Right Likker 0:34
B9 The Greatest Hunger Of The Human Heart 2:56
B10 Thoughts On Shakespeare 0:30
B11 Joshua 1:34
B12 The Drunk Driver 1:04
B13 God Give Us Men 1:20
  Written-By – Josiah Gilbert Holland
B14 The Last Verse Of Our National Anthem 1:25

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Since 1976 Cincinnati’s held it’s annual Oktoberfest festival at the heart of downtown to celebrate the city’s German heritage. Over the years Oktoberfest in Cincinnati, or Zinzinnati as it’s known during the festival, has steadily attracted more and more visitors. Now, with over 500,000 people annually, Cincinnati’s Oktoberfest celebration is the biggest North America and the second largest in the world behind the big daddy partei in Munich.

The beer, the brats, the oompa bands and the girls in short German dresses it a pleasant affair for everyone in attendance…well, almost everyone. Last year, during “The World’s Largest Chicken Dance,” I bore witness when things went horribly, horribly wrong for one tiny dancer.

Weird Al: Harbinger of Death

It was seemingly a typical Oktoberfest day on Fountain Square. As usual, I arrived early to make sure that my favorite beer, Christian Moerlein Fifth & Vine, would be in good supply while I built up a hefty level of trunkenheit to thoroughly enjoy the kitsch that is Oktoberfest.  I don’t know about you but watching dachshunds wearing big styrofoam hot dog buns race is a hell of a lot more enjoyable if you’re kicked back with a few dozen pints of lager.

Looka me go! Mein torso ist so streamlined! Züm züm!

Well, last year everyone had the same idea as me and started getting loaded early. Men, women, grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, baby daddies and baby mommas were all getting sauced ASAP so the incessant sound of the clanging glockenspiels would induce pleasure rather than a Rhine-load of pain. I even saw a few stroller-rollin’ babies rockin’ a bottle of the brew, jimmy-rigged with a rubber nipple. Granted, they were mostly drinking weak-ass Bud Light, but still…babies need to drink responsibly.

Somebody get this little dude a stein, stat.

It got to the point that by early afternoon the entire crowd of half million was entirely shitfaced. Those that weren’t puking into the gutters were doing all sorts of terrible things. I witnessed furious leiderhosen-on-leiderhosen dry humping on Vine Street. On 5th I spied kids using the aforementioned wiener dogs as footballs in terribly accurate reenactments of Carson Palmer’s playoff game knee snap. On Walnut I saw one guy poop in a tuba. And everyone was spilling their beer–precious, precious beer–all over the place. It was horrendous.

Convicted Tuba-Pooper

Everything was getting real at a maddening pace when, suddenly, a voice came over the PA system from Fountain Square’s main stage. “Listen up you sons of bitches, I got something to say.” It was Nick Lachey and he was wasted. Well, wasted wouldn’t really do it justice. It would be fairer to say that there was a life-size marionette of Nick Lachey up on stage being operated by an amateur puppeteer. The only thing that held him up was two Thai women in shiny golden dirndls…at least I think they were women; they looked pretty buff. But I digress.

“I’m Nick Lachey, you pussies, and it’s (hiccup) it’s time for The World’s Largest Chicken Dance!” The crowd let out a tidal wave of cheers, burps and ticklish laughter in response. “Nick Lechey says get up to the stage and shake your tail feathers, you Midwestern hillbilly shits….uh, I mean sexy Cincinnatians!” And with that cordial invitation 500k drunken wahoos (myself included) stormed Fountain Square and somehow lined up single-file, row upon row…hungry for Nick Lachey’s command.

Hometown Hero, Dance Führer

The music started instantly. “Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, duh nu nu nu nu nu nuh, duh nu nu nu nu nu NUH, *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP *” went the battle cry. And on it went; over and over and over. As time elapsed the pace gradually increased. It was imperceptible at first but with each chicken-like movement I could feel the lactic acid building from wing to beak. When I thought I could take no more I looked up at Nick Lachey with eyes that screamed, “Why Nick Lachey, why?” He only responded with laughter and another crank of the PA’s tempo knob.

This is where things get blurry. It’s a pretty emotional memory, so bear with me. I remember there was a younger married couple in front of me doing the poultry jig. In between the two there was a young boy in a stroller, no older than two, destroying the contents of a 2-foot glass boot stein. When the song started the couple were spaced a safe distance from their tipsy toddler. But as Nick Lachey turned the Chicken into a Wild Turkey the couple lost all bearing of time and, more terribly, space.

Without warning the woman, a curly-headed brunette wearing jort overalls, started kicking her Keds high with each clap. One of these wayward kicks landed squarely on the right temple of her sauced son. This sent him flying to the left, and into the path of the prematurely balding husband. He too, at the whim of Nick Lachey’s demonic knob fiddling, found his legs with a mind of their own…stomping and stomping to their own delight. Their son, now passed out from a combination of drink and traumatic stroller tipping trauma, never saw the Reaper’s cold hand. The husband’s top-siders came down on the crown of his son’s skull and out spilled the memories of a first birthday, of first snowfall, of his first German pilsner.

But the man, wearing tortoise-shell glasses prescribed for myopia, didn’t stop stomping. The music had complete and utter control of him. If anything, his speed increased…controlled by the twitching fingers of Nick Lachey.

And you may ask yourself, “Why didn’t I read anything about this in the papers?” Well, the reason is both simple and disgusting. The latter half of Cincinnati’s summer had been a particularly dry one. Because of this the concrete tiles on fountain square were particularly porous. Mix this with the fact that the chemical engineer with P&G didn’t stop clucking and kicking until his son, from head to toe, was completely liquified. Simply put, the aqueous remains of his son were thoroughly absorbed by the tiles of Fountain Square. His parents’ inebriation was so complete they plum forgot they had a son, skeletal system and all, when they sobered the following week. It’s a tragedy from top to bottom, yes sir.

So, this year when you visit Zinzinnati’s Oktoberfest, make sure you pour some Doppelbock out for Little Billy. It’s been a while since he’s had a good German draft.

Dig In!

>>>Click To Download German Beer Drinking Music on 320 kbps MP3

Tracklist

1. Ein Heller Und Ein Batzen

2. Die Blauen Dragoner

3. Oh, Du Wonderschoener Deutscher Rhein

4. Schwartzbraun Ist Die Hazelnuss

5. Unter Dem Doppel Adler

6. Morgen Marschieren Wir

7. Steig Ich Den Berg Hinauf

8. Waldeslust Ich Den Berg Hinauf

9. Das Schoenste Auf Der Welt

10. Glaube Nicht Ans Rehbocknest

11. Wenn Die Soldeaten Durch Die Stadt Marschieren

Click here to download barrels of fun at 320 kbps!

Festival season once again reared its drunken head in Covington this past weekend. I figured I’d share a little sweet treat to celebrate the upcoming months of Hudy Delight, Goetta Balls and common-law love in the Commonwealth. Here’s a collection of traditional Dutch carnival music to creep your balls off. The album features the following jolly time instruments:

The Carillon

Introducing Willem, the star attraction for ladies’ night at the Amsterdam public library.

The Music Box

Kiss your 808 goodbye!

The Barrel Organ

There are also a lot of other instruments on here that don’t seem to exist anymore in a functional capacity, at least on the first 3 pages of any YouTube or Google Image search. These include but are not limited to the canary organ, the tongue organ, and the belly organ. The weenis organ is featured on the rare 7″ epidermis-colored bonus disc for this album that, unfortunately, isn’t in my collection.

It’s my hope that someone will take this album and sample a bit of it in the worst way possible. That, of course, would be in the same vein as the following song by Mark Mothersbaugh:

Please, I need it…so badly.

*download album below*

Ok, so this is the most important piece music of the 20th century. Yes, you read that correctly. In 1982 L. Ron Hubbard introduced Space Jazz, the first ever soundtrack to a book (not just any book…Battlefield Earth!!!) and forever altered the creative path of human history. Many historians credit this album with slaying the incredible high-hat breathing Disco Dragon. Others blame it for laying the Yoshi egg that hatched Lady Gaga. However, there’s much more to this story than hilarious musings…

Exhibit A!

(from the album gatefold)

SPACE JAZZ is a completely new musical sound destined to be hailed as the music of the future. The many and varied forms of music are an integral part of the cultural heritage of Earth.

Now, the sound of the future has been established by L. RON HUBBARD, author of the blockbuster science fiction novel Battlefield Earth.

The concept of a soundtrack is something one normally associates with motion pictures. Now for the first time ever–a soundtrack for a book–Battlefield Earth–”Space Jazz.” Think of the “Star Wars” Sagas, and “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” mix in the triumph of “Rocky I,” “Rocky II” and Rocky III” and you have captured the exuberance, style and glory of “Battlefield Earth”–The Evening Sun, Baltimore MD.

Consider the magnitude of the challenge Hubbard set himself. Conventional musical instruments and even huge symphony orchestras have their limitations. He turned to the technology of the future–computers.

Recent breakthroughs in computer musical instruments offered the needed versatility to match his new musical concepts.

Today, a computer is able to reproduce any natural sound. It can record a single note of a musical instrument and from that reproduce the rest of the instrument.

But better yet, it can take any sound and turn this into a rhythm. A coyote can sing the blues. A horse can tap dance. Liquid can splash out a Strauss waltz. Laser beams can hum a lullaby. You name it and you can get it

Yes, L. Ron Hubbard took the most technologically advanced musical instrument of the time, the Fairlight Computer Musical Instrument, and used it to recreate the sonic feast of a horse tapdancing! Thank your stars L. Ron Hubbard was one of the first people to get his hands on the $25,000 Fairlight CMI and thus create this epic masterpiece. What follows is just a small sampling of L. Ron Hubbards musical pioneering.

Exhibit B!

Be sure to carefully absorb the rich tonal haunches in this track. The playful neighs of the heroic horse Windsplitter, created through the Fairlight CMI’s digital processor, stir feelings of hope within the listener that, yes, man, beast and machine can coexist peacefully in a world free of Psychlos.

Exhibit C!

 

L. Ron Hubbard used his Hubbard Electrometer to test if tomatoes felt emotional pain. Seriously, check out this UK Telegraph article.

Ok, so I took a long time to trying to figure out exactly what this album was all about. I looked for hidden answers about Scientology in the ridiculous anti-stereo narration. I then looked for some sort of psychic pattern in the horribly repetitive and shrill synthesized filler “music”. Finally, I sought solace in the suspiciously mundane track titles:

1. Golden Era of Sci Fi

2. Funeral For A Planet

3. March of The Psychlos

4. Teri, The Security Director

5. Jonnie

6. Windsplitter

7. The Mining Song

8. The Drone

9. Mankind Unites

10. Alien Visitors Attack

11. The Banker

12. Declaration of Peace

13. Earth, My Beautiful Home

But I didn’t experience even a single mysterious revelation from on high.

So I listened again. And again. And again. And upon my umpteenth listen, just as Space Jazz began evoke memories of my endless hours spent playing Oregon Trail 2, the answer blasted itself all over my face: L. Ron Hubbard was the greatest practical joker of all time.

His absurdly bogus biography, his hackneyed bibliography, his intensely whacko yet ridiculously profitable Scientology cult had all been part of the greatest monkeyshine ever unleashed on mankind. The man was a hybrid of Andy Kaufman’s unflinching, rabble-rousing comedy with  Joseph Smith’s pied-piper espièglerie–now that’s saying something.

The aural assault Space Jazz makes complete sense when you view L. Ron’s life in that light. You could even say this composition was the punchline to a lifetime of pocket-emptying tomfoolery.

So, Xenu bless you, L. Ron Hubbard…you hilarious fucking bastard.

Click to download SPACE JAZZ to the futuristic 320 kbps

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*download below*

This is one of the of the weirdest, corniest, and most annoying records you’ll ever hear.  I guarantee you’ll love every minute of it.  Here’s a breakdown of the tracks, now with spell check!

1) Lonnie Donegan – Does Your Chewing Gum Lost Its Flavour  (On The Bedpost Overnight)

I can only imagine that this was one of the few tracks that was benign enough to appeal to both kids and senior citizens during the dawn of the tumultuous 60s.  The weirdest part of this track is the wild applause from the crowd at the song’s close.  Seriously, this song gets your rocks off that hard?

So sticky.

2) Brian Hyland – Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

A sugary track from back when hittin the beach in a two-piece was grounds for a lynching in many parts of the Gulf Coast.  I like to play this song while I’m watching footage of the nuclear tests performed in Bikini Atoll.  Beautiful.

She was afraid to come out of the locker.

3) The Ran-Dells – Martian Hop

Insanely catchy with outer space party lyrics?  Count me in.  Too bad the glory only lasts 2 minutes and 16 seconds.  That makes moonman cry.

4) The Hollywood Argyles – Alley-Oop

Apparently there was some comic strip back in the day called Alley-Oop that was famous and this song capitalized on it.  He rode around on a dinosaur and was basically the poor man’s Fred Flinstone minus the ever-sexy Wilma.

Stamp worthy.

5) Ray Stevens – Gitarzan

On paper this song should be totally unlistenable:  a jungle themed song sung by a Disney version of Lou Reed.  But the full band accompaniment complete with horn section just blasts its way into the Coca Cola Chill Zone.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Boing!

6) The Trashmen – Surfin’ Bird

This is the only song I want played at my funeral.

7) Allan Sherman – Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh!

This summer camp-themed song just makes me itch. My stepdad told me that his siblings and he would listen to Sherman’s record over and over back in the 60s. For some reason, unknown to the modern psychologists, it really cracked their shit up. I guess the lyrics reminded them of their own summer camp experiences. When recounting such totally lame memories they had no choice but to laugh or to cry.

So mega lame.

8. Bobby (Boris) Pickett – Monster Mash

The undisputed king of Halloween songs has two unbelievable fun facts attached to it:  It hit number one on the charts in 1962 and was banned by the BBC the same year for being too offensive.  Huh?

Maybe DRAGULA was the culprit.

9) Larry Verne – Mr. Custer

This track pays tribute to General Custer’s ill-fated final battle at Little Big Horn. For some reason I just imagine the band members recording this in between swigs from XXX moonshine jugs and spilling all over cornflake-encrusted mustaches.

Even this dog couldn’t save him.

10) Napoleon XIV – They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!

Try listening to this song on repeat for an hour.  Now imagine doing that for a week straight.  I did it.  Don’t ask why, but I did.  And I’m much worse for it.

11) Dr. West’s Medicine Show & Junk Band – The Eggplant That Ate Chicago

In the past sleepy ragtime saloon music and Madlibs just seemed like a good idea.  It’s taken 50 years but science has finally proven that assumption wrong.

His favorite song.

12) Rusty Warren – Bounce Your Boobies

Yes, a song sung by a woman about wobbling your titties to and fro in an itchy polyester sweater until the friction causes a flash fire which destroys all life within a 3 mile radius.  Man the 60s were a great time to be alive.

13) Tiny Tim –  Tip-Toe Thru’ The Tulips With Me

Radio stations were trying really hard in the 60s to captivate audiences and a creepy ass dude playing a ukulele was just the trick. I wish I had his teeth in a jar.

mmmmm

14) Tom Lehrer – So Long, Mom (A Song For World War III)

My only gripe about this song is that it wasn’t feature in Dr. Strangelove.  It’s the only thing I can think of when I hear this.

“So long mom, I’m off to drop the bomb.”

Check it out here, you wizenheimer!

http://www.mediafire.com/file/0zmmi2w0njd/Dr. Demento Presents The Greatest Novelty Records of All Time Vol. III The 1960s.zip