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10 Reasons Bruce Willis May Be a Spy
1. He was “born” in Idar-Oberstein, Western Germany to a German woman and an American soldier in 1955.
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It seems like a quaint enough village…perhaps even the perfect setting for a storybook begining. But look closely up at the hill. That’s the Felsenkirche, or “Crag Church”, tucked up there. It’s rumored to be the home of Nazi spy training during The War and to KGB training shortly there after, which continued on through the Cold War and until the fall of the Berlin Wall.
It’s also rumored that Willis’ mother worked as a nurse at the Felsenkirche. A real sexy nurse.
2. At Penns Grove High School he suffered from a stutter. Because of this his classmates called him “Buck Buck”.
Stuttering, speech impediments, and general psychological ticks are, of course, closely related to those working in the field of international sabotage.
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3. After High School he worked as a security guard at the Salem Nuclear Power Plant
According to the New York Times the Salem Nuclear Plant experienced several problems in the early 90′s, including a leaky generator, unreliable controls on a reactor, and workers who feared that reporting problems would lead to retaliation.
Accounts from one plant employee described how Willis told him, “You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck. “
It’s believed by industry insiders that Willis sabotaged the plant to express his rage with the poor public reception of his writing and starring role in Hudson Hawk.
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4. Seagram’s commissioned Willis as the spokesperson of their Golden Wine Coolers.
Nothing so undermines the American way of life than wine coolers. It’s wet…and it’s dry? Stop tearing our world apart with your communist mind games!
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5. In 1987 he played Bruno Radolini in the film The Return of Bruno
Witness how Willis, wearing a pair of genuine soul-sucking glasses, leads the audience toward the edge of The Cliffs of Harmonica…and shoves them over at the one-minute mark. This displays his intense training in manipulative crowd control. Into what pits of despair will he lead humanity?
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6. In 1987 he released the soundtrack for The Return of Bruno.
In another display of his powerful mind control, Willis convinced Motown to release an album that included a cover of Stax Records recording artists The Staple Singers. Oh, the humanity!
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7. Subaru produced a limited run or Legacys in “Subaru Legacy Touring Bruce” trim.
The last time I checked Japan is on the other side of the ocean. That’s not America. What type of “favors” or “secrets” is Willis giving the Japanese government to receive such accolades. Japan is in DVD region 2, the good old USA is in region 1. They can”t even watch the Die Hard movies at home. The Japanese don’t love him sweet and long like we do. What is going on here?!?
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8. He strongly campaigned for Michael Dukakis for President in 1988.
This means Willis is a proponent of kidnapping, stabbing, and raping. None of these is part of the American dream.
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9. In 1996 he produced and voiced the children’s television show Bruno the Kid, which was about a boy who becomes a top spy for a secret espionage organization.
Ok, I probably should have mentioned this one first. Also, I’m pretty sure this was never actually a cartoon. And CGI Bruce Will is terrifying–terrifying in the scope of his plotting.
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10. The last name of the person that gave this to me as a birthday present is Lautzenheiser–the ultimate spy surname.
It’s all come full circle. The spy outing the spy on the international stage that is Rebuilt Tranny’s Rat Rod Record Exchange. Well played, Herr Lautzenheiser.
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A rare glimple of the master of disguise.
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Click here to embrace the Return of Bruno
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