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Monthly Archives: July 2009

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This is one of the of the weirdest, corniest, and most annoying records you’ll ever hear.  I guarantee you’ll love every minute of it.  Here’s a breakdown of the tracks, now with spell check!

1) Lonnie Donegan – Does Your Chewing Gum Lost Its Flavour  (On The Bedpost Overnight)

I can only imagine that this was one of the few tracks that was benign enough to appeal to both kids and senior citizens during the dawn of the tumultuous 60s.  The weirdest part of this track is the wild applause from the crowd at the song’s close.  Seriously, this song gets your rocks off that hard?

So sticky.

2) Brian Hyland – Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

A sugary track from back when hittin the beach in a two-piece was grounds for a lynching in many parts of the Gulf Coast.  I like to play this song while I’m watching footage of the nuclear tests performed in Bikini Atoll.  Beautiful.

She was afraid to come out of the locker.

3) The Ran-Dells – Martian Hop

Insanely catchy with outer space party lyrics?  Count me in.  Too bad the glory only lasts 2 minutes and 16 seconds.  That makes moonman cry.

4) The Hollywood Argyles – Alley-Oop

Apparently there was some comic strip back in the day called Alley-Oop that was famous and this song capitalized on it.  He rode around on a dinosaur and was basically the poor man’s Fred Flinstone minus the ever-sexy Wilma.

Stamp worthy.

5) Ray Stevens – Gitarzan

On paper this song should be totally unlistenable:  a jungle themed song sung by a Disney version of Lou Reed.  But the full band accompaniment complete with horn section just blasts its way into the Coca Cola Chill Zone.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.


6) The Trashmen – Surfin’ Bird

This is the only song I want played at my funeral.

7) Allan Sherman – Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh!

This summer camp-themed song just makes me itch. My stepdad told me that his siblings and he would listen to Sherman’s record over and over back in the 60s. For some reason, unknown to the modern psychologists, it really cracked their shit up. I guess the lyrics reminded them of their own summer camp experiences. When recounting such totally lame memories they had no choice but to laugh or to cry.

So mega lame.

8. Bobby (Boris) Pickett – Monster Mash

The undisputed king of Halloween songs has two unbelievable fun facts attached to it:  It hit number one on the charts in 1962 and was banned by the BBC the same year for being too offensive.  Huh?

Maybe DRAGULA was the culprit.

9) Larry Verne – Mr. Custer

This track pays tribute to General Custer’s ill-fated final battle at Little Big Horn. For some reason I just imagine the band members recording this in between swigs from XXX moonshine jugs and spilling all over cornflake-encrusted mustaches.

Even this dog couldn’t save him.

10) Napoleon XIV – They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!

Try listening to this song on repeat for an hour.  Now imagine doing that for a week straight.  I did it.  Don’t ask why, but I did.  And I’m much worse for it.

11) Dr. West’s Medicine Show & Junk Band – The Eggplant That Ate Chicago

In the past sleepy ragtime saloon music and Madlibs just seemed like a good idea.  It’s taken 50 years but science has finally proven that assumption wrong.

His favorite song.

12) Rusty Warren – Bounce Your Boobies

Yes, a song sung by a woman about wobbling your titties to and fro in an itchy polyester sweater until the friction causes a flash fire which destroys all life within a 3 mile radius.  Man the 60s were a great time to be alive.

13) Tiny Tim –  Tip-Toe Thru’ The Tulips With Me

Radio stations were trying really hard in the 60s to captivate audiences and a creepy ass dude playing a ukulele was just the trick. I wish I had his teeth in a jar.


14) Tom Lehrer – So Long, Mom (A Song For World War III)

My only gripe about this song is that it wasn’t feature in Dr. Strangelove.  It’s the only thing I can think of when I hear this.

“So long mom, I’m off to drop the bomb.”

Check it out here, you wizenheimer! Demento Presents The Greatest Novelty Records of All Time Vol. III The

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Ah, old fashioned country music.  Back when hearts were truly demolished and songs of murder flowed like mint juleps at the Kentucky Derby.  Unlike today’s country it wasn’t meant to be cheeky or cute; just expedite your conversion into a lonely alcoholic who spends his or her time glued to a barstool in some watering hole set in the foothills of the Appalachians.

This here album is the definition of what country music should be: songs about love lost, deceit, betrayal, and bad memories by people with real life experience in those fields.  Old Time Country is the perfect vehicle for Johnny Cash; whose life was, for much if its duration, stuck in the bottom of a Busch League Porta Potty.

Most likely you won’t recognize most of the tracks from this album, which is a good thing.  It gives you the opportunity to start afresh and really absorb the strange comedy created by the juxtaposition of melancholy lyrics set to catchy rhythms. However, if you are familiar with these ditties I’d like to buy you a round of the Bourbon of your choice.

With Rock Island Line you also get the extra bonus of Jeannie C. Riley on the second side of the disc.  Her songs are just as misery-filled as good ole Johnny’s but with a more feminine twist: all of the sorrow with just a touch of catty gossip icing. And her voice ain’t too shabby either.

I want to sing you a very sad song.

So if you’ve been poisoned by a contemporary country/butt rock song by Rascal Flatts or simply glimpsed a picture of Kid Rock take a listen to this record. It’s your guaranteed ticket to the Grand Ole Opry in the Sky.

Download the record here: Cash and Jeannie C. Riley – Rock Island

Here’s a great live take on the title track:

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So, you’re a fan of the 80′s. You’re down with New Wave, neon colors, and The Muppet Babies. You have almost everything needed to be the ultimate Decade of Excess Guru. Almost.

There’s only one problem: You were born on January 1st, 1990 and everyone hates you.

Now now, little one, don’t fret. There’s a solution to your dilemma. A cheat code, if you will. And he goes by the name of Danny Elfman–better known as Tim Burton’s movie score wizard. This little gem by Elfman here will dump some NOS into your Mr. Fusion and blast your ass to Pole Position. So what are you waiting for? Click already!


>>>BONUS!!!  You can also download the 12″ single of “Gratitude” from this site here. It’s very special.

*Vinyl Re-Ripped and Updated 12/6/10*

I’m really excited to finally have the opportunity to share this online.

This album was one of the first I heard after the Miracle at Aural Canal–aka when I finally regained full hearing in my left after a mysterious year-long drought.

Anyway, I’ve had experience with Portishead in the past but always thought their tracks sounded a bit too much like Xanax-popping James Bond theme songs that are prevented from nodding off with repeated slaps by a cruel snare druminatrix.

However, Third completely broke out of this box. And thank the Lord Above.

This is what I envision when this disc drops and the lights dim.

I stand in a greyish-green, abandoned amusement park which lies dormant in the middle of rolling countryside.  Nothing fancy, no big rollercoasters or log flumes–just a lonely carousel, a spinning swing, and a popcorn cart sitting derelict upon the side of a cobblestoned walkway. A thick, greasy film covers everything. Countless years have passed since the park’s seen any people. Now, the only visitor is the constant, frigid wind. It’s silent, bleak, and ever-so-lonely.

Suddenly, everything in the park springs to life.  The carousel, with its faded pine fauna, begins to spin wildly.  The giant swing whirls with rusted chains entangled in a dangerous waltz.  It’s a terrible clash of sight and sound from which an ominous hum seeps. Sickly notes emerge in D Minor to give the  attractions newfound voices in a ghostly chorus.

There’s a tug on my leg.  At my feet stands a tiny doll with wooden hands, glass eyes and a paisley-printed dress. She grinds furiously to the throbbing sound.  The feeling to punt her like it’s fourth and thirty is quelled as she speaks in a shrill, hollow voice. “Hello, sir. It’s been ages since I’ve seen a strapping buck like you. Will you be my kissing friend?”

Her ruby lips look warm, very warm. And I oblige as she tugs my hand all the way to the crawl space under the carousel.

Kissing turns to necking.  Necking turns to petting. Petting turns to coitus. Coitus leads to baby. And of course a man and doll must marry once she’s with child. The Parish would be in an uproar if it were otherwise.

In a flash it’s 10 years later and I’ve fathered a litter of doll babies who’ve overrun the park and cater to my every need.  It’s not easy to keep the townsfolk at bay, with their pitchforks and torches and whatnot, but I’d do anything to protect my tinderbox family. They are so a tiny and their lips are so, so warm.

You are the softest Daddy I know!

What it boils down to is that this album creeps me the fuck out…in exactly the right way.

>>>Click here to download Third at 320 kbps from vinyl

The following video uses “Plastic” from this album.


A1 Silence 5:01
Cello – Charlotte Nicholls
Voice [Spoken Intro] – Claudio Campos
A2 Hunter 3:59
A3 Nylon Smile 3:20
B1 The Rip 4:31
Bassoon – Wendy Bertram
B2 Plastic 3:31
Clarinet – Team Brick
B3 We Carry On 6:28
C1 Deep Water 1:33
Vocals [Additional] – Ben Salisbury , David Poore , Somerfield Workers Choir, The , Team Brick
C2 Machine Gun 4:46
C3 Small 6:47
D1 Magic Doors 3:32
Electric Piano [Rhodes] – John Baggott
Hurdy Gurdy – Stu Barker
Saxophone – Will Gregory
D2 Threads 5:48
Bass – Jim Barr
Cello – Charlotte Nicholls
Drums – Clive Deamer
Guitar – Beth Gibbons
Saxophone – Will Gregory

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I’m a big fan of Junior Boys and, for the most part, remixes.

So after playing Junior Boys’ latest full length album Begone Dull Care on my CD player about 50 billion times it seemed like the perfect time to change it up a bit and revisit the Dead Horse EP based upon its fusion of the aforementioned traits.

These remixes, by Hot Chip, Tensnake, Carl Craig, and Kode 9 all border on the verge of dance but not really to the point of Indian Rain Boogie Foot Stomping.  They’d be more at home at the end of a really fast, really loud DJ set when everyone is drenched with sweat and the dance floor smells like PBR, cheap champagne and  blown fuses.  Any one of these tracks could come on and you’d squeeze in closely with your newly-courted boo and shimmy and sway the rest of the night away in post-party euphoria.

Soak it in.

Track List

1. In the Morning (Hot Chip Remix)

2. FM (Tensnake Remix)

3. Like A Child (Carl Craig Remix)

4. Double Shadow (Kode 9 Remix)

Download it here:

Here’s the original version of Junior Boys’ In The Morning: