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Monthly Archives: October 2009

Click here for a random Rebuilt Tranny post…if you dare!

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When I was a little kid my parents loved scaring the crap out of me during Halloween. The act would evoke the most devilish, unquenchable laughter together as man and wife. It was as if a monstrous, invisible feather furiously caressed their funny bones in unison. All while I was huddled in a corner crying like a little bitch, frozen in mortal terror.

One particular Halloween branded this album into my psyche. I think I was probably five because my brother was just old enough to carry his fro-topped bobblehead upright around the house. Anyway, we were playing with Hot Wheels in our primary color-slathered bedroom, atop a bitchin’ Pac-Man rug, when suddenly bone-numbing shrieks wafted down the hallway. We opened our bedroom door to find the house completely dark and empty…except for a sea of terrible wailing. We worked our way out through the darkness into the split-level entryway and I cried out, “MOM, DAD…WHERE ARE YOU?!?”  I stood locked in fear.

Terrible thoughts ran through my mind:  They’d been kidnapped. I was all alone. Who would make my pancakes in the morning?


My parents snuck up on me and boxed my ears with the classic Halloween battle cry. I contemplated shitting my pants but instead started bawling–boy did I ever cry. And my parents just laaaughed and laaaughed with a knee slaps interjected for comedic effect.

Why would they do that? To the both of us? Well, my brother probably doesn’t remember, I’m pretty sure he was on autopilot until the age of 12, but I sure as hell do. It was Chilling, Thrilling Sounds Of The Haunted House that really chiseled it into my memory. Maybe my parents didn’t read the disclaimer on the back of the record sleeve….

The Disneyland catalogue of children’s records is one of the finest in the world. The primary audience for Children’s records is the age group from three to eight years. Most of the records in the Disneyland catalogue are made specifically for that group although there are some whose appeal reaches into the early teens. This particular Disneyland record, CHILLING, THRILLING, SOUNDS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE is not intended for young, impressionable children from three to eight. It is intended for older children, teenagers and adults.

Those bold and capitalized sections in that excerpt were printed just so on the album sleeve. Those words jump right out at you, basically gouge your eyes. So, they probably knew exactly what they were doing when they dropped the needle on this devilish disc. They knew I’d carry this baggage well into my twenties. They knew.

What a couple of assholes.

Just kidding, I love you mom!



Side 1

1. The Haunted House

2. The Very Long Fuse

3. The Dogs

4. Timber

5. Your Pet Cat

6. Shipwreck

7. The Unsafe Bridge

8. Chinese Water Torture

9. The Birds

10. The Martian Monsters

Side 2

1. Screams and Groans

2. Thunder and Lightning and Rain

3. Cat Fight

4. Dogs

5. A Collection of Creaks

6. Fuses and Explosions

7. A Collection of Crashes

8. Birds

9. Drips and Splashes

10. Things in Space

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One of the best ways to test your sound system is to pop a quality stereophonic sound effect disc onto your turntable.  If it makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck then you’ve got your Hi Fi set up just right.  For some people it may be jets, for some people it may be a cooking disc.  For some creeps it might be monkey mating calls.  Whatever the case the right disc, if ampilified properly, will turn you to jelly.  If not, well honey, you got problems.

For me the golden arrow is Sports Cars In Stereo.  It was recorded back in 1958 during the golden era of racing.  This Grand Prix saw dangerous speed paired with a huge void of  safety precautions.  Most of these guys didn’t even buckle their lap belts after their mad foot dash to start the beginning of the 12-hour race.  It just took too much time to click it.

Mad dash to the cockpit at the race’s start.

These guys were batshit crazy speed freaks who didn’t give a damn about the frivolities of crumple zones and roll cages.  I mean wouldn’t you be willing to risk your life if you got to drive top speed with reckless abandon in one of these:

Ferrari 250 TR: Raced at Sebring

From a spectator’s standpoint the best part of the race had to have been the smell and the sound.  5 billion octane exhaust fumes and ear-drum imploding top gear passes must have been absolutely intoxicating.  God damn I wish I knew Dr. Emmit Brown.

Your clothes won’t get stained with gasoline perfume listening to this record but if you crank it until your fuses melt you can totally feel the thwomp of every downshift down to your bone marrow.

Featured Automobiles

Corvette – Ferrari – D Jaguar – Lister-Jaguar – Aston Martin – Maserati – AC Bristol – Austin-Healey – Triumph – Porsche – Lotus – Alfa Romeo – Abarth-Fiat – Osca – DB


Tracklist (with descriptions from back cover)

1. Technical Inspection

The process by which each car is authorized to compete.  Brakes, tires, fluid leaks, general running condition, etc., are checked.  At Sebring (which is run under rules of the F.I.A.), such other items as headlights, working top, seat size, and windshield are also checked.

2. Slow Corner

A 90 degree right-hand turn.  From top speed, drivers shift down through the gears to second for this tight corner, then shift back up for the next long straight.

3. The Esses

The difficult and dangerous bends where the incredible Ferraris and Jags and Porsches slam through the gears, sliding from one side of the road to the other, tires screaming, and zoom away.

4. The Straight

Here the cars emit the loudest noise of full acceleration as the pass through all the gears.  Note the different shipting points of the different cars.

Dottie West: Top Notch Country Doll

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Dottie West – Careless Hands

I let my heart fall into careless hands
Careless hands that broke my heart in two
You held my dreams like worthless strings of sand
Careless hands don’t care when dreams secure

You’ve brought me joy and oh, I loved you so
But all that sunshine didn’t make roses grow
If you don’t change someday, you’ll know the sorrow
Careless hands that can’t hold on to love

You’ve brought me joy and oh, I loved you so
But all that sunshine didn’t make roses grow
If you don’t change someday, you’ll know the sorrow
Careless hands that can’t hold on to love


Country music stars love to love.  They love to sing about it.  They love to boast about it.  They love to have a baby waiting in the wings at each tour stop.  It’s the fire behind 9 out of 10 songs.

And they love heartache just as much as warm nights of snugglin’.  Country music is like a great twangy Easter egg hunt that never ends and instead of quarters and dollar bills in the eggs they have shells full of cheatin’ hearts.

Never get involved with a country music star.  No matter how much shiny fabric or hairspray they can afford don’t fall for their refined square dance mating rituals.  It will only end in breakups frosted with baseball bats through your windshield.

But feel free to get nasty with the girlfriend of a country music star.  They’re real loose and get killer deals on local motel rooms.  Plus they never insist on rubbers.  It’s a win/win situation.


Be sure to also check out Disc 1 and Disc 2


Side E

1. George Hamilton IV – She’s A Little Bit Country

2. Dottie West & The Jordanaires – Careless Hands

3. Hank Thompson – I’ve Got A Humpty Dumpty Heart

4. Hank Locklin – Geisha Girl

5. George Jones – Window Up Above

6. Bobby Bare – (Margie’s at) The Lincoln Park Inn

7. Barry Sadler – The Ballad of the Green Berets

8. Hank Williams – Your Cheatin’ Heart

9. Sonny James – Young Love

10. Moon Mullican – I’ll Sail My Ship Alone

11. Don Gibson – Sea Of Heartache

12. Connie Smith – Ain’t Had No Lovin’

Side F

1. Hank Locklin – Let Me Be The One

2. Connie Smith – Once A Day

3. Carl Belew – Hello Out There

4. Jim Reeves – Mexican Joe

5. Roger Miller – King Of The Road

6. Bobby Bare – Four Strong Winds

7. George Hamilton IV – Abilene

8. Nat Stuckey – Cut Across Shorty

9. Sammie Smith – Help Me Make It Through The Night

10. Leroy Van Dyke – Walk On By

11. Dickey Lee – Never Ending Song Of Love

12. Jerry Reed – When You’re Hot…You’re Hot

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After listening to Disc 2 a few times I’ve come to the conclusion that this selection was hand-picked by none other than super pimp Nudie Cohn.  He’s the feller in the picture here perched atop the firearm-adorned Caddy convertible wearing the sequin-slathered suit jacket.  You see, Nudie is the legend in country western apparel design.  He built by hand hundreds, maybe thousands, of suits for the cream of Country’s crop through the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  And he was a one-of-a-kind car customizer.  That Cadillac in the picture was Cowboy-Uped by Nudie himself.  Yes, he was an all around rhinestone badass.  I mean if you can make Elvis shine like this you must have a terrifying set of cajones:

Elvis’ $10,000 Gold Nudie Suit

Now what leads me to believe that Nudie hand-picked the songs in this album is that Porter Wagoner is featured 3 times on this disc alone.  If you search images of Porter Wagoner on the internet it is nearly impossible to find a pic of him not draped in a Nudie original.  It just doesn’t happen.  Now, what I’m thinking is this:  Nudie passed away in 1983.  This happens to be the same year that the original pressing of this album was released.  There is a 99% chance that Nudie put Porter Wagoner on here in full effect to keep the Nudie legend alive in song through Porter.  That is so clever, Sir Nudie.  Clever til the very end.

Hello, I’m Porter Wagoner. Do you like my Nudie?

Click here to Download Disc 2 to MP3

Be sure to also check out Disc 1 and Disc 3


Side C

1. Hank Williams – I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry

2. Hawkshaw Hawkins – Lonesome 7-7203

3. Bobby Bare – Detroit City

4. Sheb Wooley – That’s My Pa

5. The Carlisles – No Help Wanted

6. Chet Atkins – Yakety Axe

7. Skeeter Davis – The End Of The World

8. Eddy Arnold – Bouquet of Roses

9. Porter Wagoner – The Carroll County Accident

10. Hank Snow – I’ve Been Everywhere

11. The Browns – The Three Bells (Les Trois Cloches)

Side D

1. Hank Locklin – Please Help Me, I’m Falling

2. Don Bigson – Blue, Blue Day

3. Hank Snow – Don’t Hurt Anymore

4. Ferlin Husky – Gone

5. Red Sovine – Giddy-Up-Go

6. Hank WIlliams – Saw The Light

7. Jim Reeves – Blue Boy

8. Tennessee Ernie Ford – Sixteen Tons

9. Porter Wagoner – Green, Green Grass Of Home

10. Jerry Reed – Amos Moses

11. Porter Wagoner – Eat, Drink And Be Merry (Tomorrow You’ll Cry)

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The title of this album is a very bold claim.  Usually I’d just notch this up to trumpery and smack the dick of the record label in the toilet seat. But this one sticks to its guns. So much so that it shot a hole right through my olive grey boots.  I’d sue but they only cost 11 bucks and it wouldn’t hold up in small claims court because by all accounts this compilation doesn’t exist.  Except for a few broken links for eBay item requests I couldn’t find anything on this.  So lucky for you you’re treated to a creep pic of a Country Bear for an album cover until I can revive my ancient digital camera.

I was lucky enough to pick this up at a thrift store in Newport, KY for 60 cents last week and have been itching to post it ever since.  It starts off strong with Johnny Cash’s “I Walk The Line” (albeit with a bit of an early skip hiccup) and continues into the perfect balance of classic country’s upbeat instruments with dog dying lyrics.  I can’t think of anything that can make you so content and suicidal at the same time.

I can just imagine my Grandma Jan listening to this right after its release in 1986 in her trailer in the absolute middle of nowhere in Wyoming with her half wolf/half huskie named Skoal as her companion.  Suddenly she gets an unexpected ring on her phone that awakens her fold of meticulously arranged Precious Moments dolls: it’s God and he wants to know why in the Hell she’s late for roll call.

Her response is simple: Good Country lives forever.

Download All-Time Greatest Hits of Country Music vinyl rip to MP3 HERE

Be sure to also check out Disc 2 and Disc 3


A1 – Johnny Cash – I Walk The Line

A2 – Sons of the Pioneers – Cool Water

A3 – Elton Britt – There’s A Star Spangled Banner Waving Somewhere

A4 – Roy Acuff – Wabash Cannonball

A5 – Hank Williams – Lovesick Blues

A6 – Eddy Arnold – Cattle Call

A7 – Jimmie Rodgers – Blue Yodel No. 1 (T For Texas)

A8 – The Davis Sisters – I Forgot More Than You’ll Ever Know

A9 – Tex Ritter – High Noon (Do Not Forsake Me)

A10 – Vaughn Monroe & The Quartet – Riders In The Sky

A11 – Stuart Hamblen – This Ole House

B1 – Eddy Arnold – Anytime

B2 – Homer & Jethro – (How Much Is) That Hound Dog In The Window

B3 – Chet Atkins – Country Gentleman

B4 – Pee Wee King and his band featuring Redd Stewart – Slowpoke

B5 – Porter Wagoner – Misery Loves Company

B6 – Hank Snow – I’m Movin’ On

B7 – Don Gibson – Oh Lonesome Me

B8 – Jim Reeves – He’ll Have To Go

B9 – Slim Whitman – There’s A Rainbow In Ev’ry Teardrop

B10 – Connie Smith – Just One Time

B11 – Ernest Ashworth – Talk Back Trembling Lips