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Category Archives: General


Here’s a few fun facts about Mick Jagger:

1) Mick Jagger and David Bowie may or may not have boned. I think all the real proof you need is in the following video.

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2) Mick’s on-stage moves and grooves are thanks in part to the fact that he’s triple jointed. This is an extremely rare condition that affects only .0001% of the population and 95% of Mick Jagger. His knees go this way, that way, and that way…and his pinkies do all sorts of gross, inappropriate things.

Even more remarkable is the fact that his penis has the mobility of an African elephant’s trunk while maintaining an erection that registers a 10 on the Mohs hardness scale.

And it can grab things. Like this following reenactment of a lazy night on the Rolling Stones tour bus.

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3) The Falklands War in 1982 between Argentina and Britain wasn’t a dispute over land claims. Rather, it was Argentina’s response to the Rolling Stones’ blockade of Tattoo You LPs from reaching Argentinian shores. For some reason Mick firmly believed, and still believes, that Argentinians are “a bunch of silly wankers,” and refused to offer them his sweet licks.

The reason for this position is somewhat unclear, but many rock historians site the strong possibility that the stupid half-albino-mustachioed lead singer of Argentinian rock group Serú Girán may have had something to do with it.

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4) In 1977, shortly after creating a space-age lubricant for the Space Shuttle at Edwards Air Force Base, engineers Daniel Wray and Erich Drafahl started work on an even more advanced lubricating substance. It was commissioned by Mick himself for use after his upcoming shows, which would eventually become the album Love You Live.

In past tours, during numerous post-concert lovemaking sessions with girls of questionable moral fiber and age, Mick encountered a serious problem. At the peak of sexual intensity the object of his amorous intent would, time after time, burst into a magnificent shower of fire and fleshy embers. It’s believed that Mick’s elephantine member was simply hitting too many hot spots of the female anatomy. Maybe one day women will evolve to withstand such murderous pleasures. One day.

So, in response, Mick put Daniel Wray and Erich Drafahl hot on the case of solving the dilemma of catastrophic hot crotch. Through these two engineers’ trials and many errors we now enjoy the fruits of Astroglide, which can be found at your friendly neighborhood smut shop.

I must emphasize errors in Mr. Wray’s and Drafahl’s efforts. One clinical trial with an early formula of the lube proved too slippery for even Mick’s willy. Latest reports sighted the unlucky test subject sliding his way through the San Francisco Pass in a stretch of the Andes between Chile and Argentina.

Where he, and his ice rink coin sack, will slide on into next is anyone’s guess.

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San Francisco Pass: Terrain not friendly to the old brain pouch.

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5) Not everyone can have moves like Mick Jagger.

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Click here to download the vinyl conversion of Tattoo You

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Click here for a random Rebuilt Tranny post.

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This is the first album that’s been uploaded from the monster stack of abandoned LPs I found on the corner of Silver & Alemany in EXCELSIOR, SF, CA. I have a strong suspicion that this disc, along with the hundreds of other derelict bargain discount albums, belonged to the recently deceased owner of Force of Habit Records.

Now, I can’t be for certain on this since my investigation into the last place of residence for “Braindead” Devereaux, which should have correlated with the location of my find, was pitifully fruitless at best. I just feel that anyone throwing out so many records with $1 Force of Habit stickers probably let them go them in a hurry…if you catch my drift.

So, if these were indeed your unsold and unwanted discs I thank you, sir. I will try to give this unsellable record something of a 21 gun salute in your honor.

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So, here’s a short explanation of what this album is for those unfamiliar. Mike + The Mechanics was a spinoff from the band Genesis, who had a few solid hits during the Reagan administration. Their music has little meaning to those born before 1990, but those of us lucky enough to remember Small Wonder will definitely have a piece of memory tied to Mike’s tunes. That’s about it, how’s that for a short explanation.

Here are two hits from this self-titled album. They’re truly a must have for any 80′s lover.

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CAUTION: EPIC VIDEO BELOW

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Of course, there were other spinoffs from Genesis during the 80′s and beyond. Here’s the top five spawn of Genesis, because everyone loves a list of winners.

5) Phil Collins

Phil’s probably the most highly recognized member of Genesis for the casual listener. His hits, such as “In The Air Tonight,” have been featured prominently in recent films like The Hangover. He also has an abnormally tiny bald head, not unlike that of an aging koala, which tends to brand itself within a person’s psyche.

4) Peter Gabriel

This founding member of Genesis found success with the help of John Cusack’sbeautiful but not quite young, not quite old, not quite white, not quite Japanese, not quite human, not quite animatronic face. Peter also thrust ridiculous sexual innuendos into the supple, swollen folds of a claymation vessel that red-rocketed straight to the top of the charts in “Sledgehammer.”

3) The Binding and Attempted Murder of Isaac

God and Abraham were real good buds. Well, buds isn’t really accurate. Abraham was kind of God’s little bitch. One day God said, “Hey man, you know what, kill that boy of yours if you’re really mah dawg.” Abraham didn’t really want to, but he didn’t want to be a little bitch either. So, he prepared to do God’s bidding…for God is good.

At least he tried to. After tying up his son and preparing to do a bit of the ol’ stabby stabby an angel flew down and said, “Jesus, Abraham, that old fuck’s really got you whipped, LOL!” And lo, Abraham was punk’d.

Anyway, the angel told Abraham to slow his roll and let Isaac go–God was only playin’. And then Abraham killed some ram to appease God. This made God happy, because Abraham’s god was a fucking weirdo.

Amen.

Glory! Blessed be His word!

Hallelujah!

2) The next Justice album.

Well, it’s either going to kick ass or I’ve just jinxed everything. Either way my dick is in a vice: let’s just hope it’s the vibrating sort.

1) The soundtrack for Pebble Beach Golf on Sega Genesis

This is the only music I’m requesting for my funeral. With these clean, innocent, yet sophisticated MIDI melodies my soul will soar the highest reaches of the Celestial Kingdom. No need for cremation or burial–with this divine electronic symphony my mortal husk will explode into 10,000 butterflies that will travel south on Carlos Slim’s private jet stream…

…only to be squashed by some spoiled 7-year-old kid wearing Crocs on spring break in Puerto Vallarta.

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Click here to download a 320 kbps rip of Mike + The Mechanics

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This video features “The Look of Love (Part 1)”. Part 3 from Side B of this single is a very slight variation on this theme. The USA Dub Remix on Side B is totally weird. Enjoy.

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Click here to download the MP3 conversion from the 12″

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A The Look Of Love (USA Remix – Dub Version) 7:37
B The Look Of Love (Part 3 – Dance Version) 4:17

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At the end of O Brother, Where Art Thou? the beloved protagonists are faced with quite a dilemma: let the lawman get to hangin’ or take a quick bum rush for a hopefully painless suicide-by-cop. You never expect what’s coming.

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You’re goddamn right, a flood right out of nowhere! Not the kind that ruins cities and drowns old women but the kind that rescues a lovable group of good-natured convicts from certain death! It’s also the kind of flood that was built right here in America by God-fearing Americans. Yep, that’s right…this flood was brought to you by the electric hands of the Tennessee Valley Authority.

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Let me step back here for a minute. You see, back during the 30′s when this movie takes place we in America had this thing called a Depression. That means nobody had  good-paying job with which to raise a family. Many men, like Ulysses, Delmar, and Pete, turned to crime just to make ends meet. And then there were those who joined government-sponsored work programs like the Civilian Conservation Corps, Works Progress Administration, and Tennessee Valley Authority–or TVA for short.

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The role of the TVA was to develop the rural areas of Tennessee, Kentucky, Alabama, North Carolina, West Virginia, Mississippi, and Georgia. This was a good thing for most of men from this area, as they were either flat broke or skimming by on profits from a measly moonshine operation. Of course, this is a blatantly stereotypical generalization of a proud and diverse people. However, it is also true.

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Moonshine still in Knox County, Tennessee. Photographed by TVA in 1936 as part of its Fort Loudoun Dam surveys. See, I told you so.

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In any case, almost all of the hydroelectric dams that are still operating in the area were built or planned during the period of the late 30′s by the TVA. This construction program, which was government-funded, was a big reason that thousands Appalachian people didn’t starve during those trying times. It also still powers the Daytona 500 into the living rooms and outhouses of millions of hillbillies.

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Today Americans are faced with a similar situation of those folks in the Great Depression. We have millions of able-bodied men and women who are receiving unemployment support from the federal and state governments. Without this help many would be forced out onto the streets, where they very well might end up like Ulysses, Delmar, and Pete–hunting for a hidden treasure that simply doesn’t exist.

But the big difference today is that these men and women on unemployment aren’t expected to offer anything in return. They don’t build dams, don’t blaze concrete trails through inhospitable lands, and last time I went camping I didn’t see anybody planting trees.

I’m all for helping people get on their feet during times of need. It’s an American responsibility to take care of other tax-paying, anthem singing ‘Mericans. But I also feel that the folks on unemployment should give something back to the community that’s paying their mortgage.

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So down what avenues of the public sector can we send these brave men and women. Let’s not set them to building environmentally harmful hydroelectric dams. It seems there are plenty of roads already built throughout this Great Nation, many of which I haven’t even driven on. And last time I went camping it seemed there were just about the amount of trees, give or take.

Here’s what I propose: enlist these fine people as a sort of police for modern social tact. We’ll call them the Silicone Valley Authority, simply because it works for the intents and purposes of this blog. Here’s a list of the SVA’s 10 most pressing duties.

Duty 1) Patrol vigilantly for people listening to standup comedy on their iPod. Arrest at sight.

Seriously, I hate the way you laugh.

Duty 2) Prevent everyone from posting cool videos on Facebook before I do.

At least give me a chance, jerk.

Duty 3) Discourage, violently, all German tourists from flaunting their good times on our weak American dollar.

Hey Hans, those glasses don’t look smart at all.

4) Commandeer and destroy any iPad that is operated by a user who is in motion under his or her own power.

If you don’t get off the sidewalk I will smack that thing right out of your hand.

5) Ban Twitter

I’m not going to lie, I still don’t get it.

6) Execute a successful viral marketing campaign to make old flip phones cool again.

My cell is so vintage.

7) End self-satisfying, rambling blog posts that have absolutely nothing to do with the post’s original subject matter.

Fine, be that way.

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Click here to download the 10-year anniversary clear vinyl-to-MP3

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Please take a moment to review the three following pieces of information. The first is a video from National Geographic explaining the barbed penis that’s common among all male felines.

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The second is a photograph of dance choreographer George Balanchine viciously hurling Mourka across his posh New York brownstone. This photograph was captured by the cold lens of dance photographer Martha Swope.

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The third is a promotional poster of the original Broadway cast of Cats. It was primarily displayed throughout the subway systems of New York City.

According to the New York Times, 20% of the performers you see here died of AIDS–all of them male. One male performer later died of a “cocaine overdose” shortly after receiving word he’d been given the role of Jean Valjean in Les Misérables.

This poster was also photographed by Martha Swope.

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The question I pose to you, dear reader, is who would have wanted the male cast members of Cats dead? Of course, the direct culprit is none other than Martha Swope.

But who was funding her devious mission? Who would have had the resources? Who would have viewed sexy, virile male cats as a threat?  Who had a barbed penis with which to fuck the innocent hopes and dreams of honest Americans?

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Photo taken during the planning stages of Operation Poison Dart. The whereabouts of Peanut and Sledgehammer are unknown.

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Click here to download Disc 1

Click here to download Disc 2

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BONUS SONG

This one goes out to RyGuy.

Your bodily functions will forever live on in our hearts.

Even the stinky ones.

Stinkyheart Memories.

Gross.

RIP buddy, see you at the big bagel in the sky.

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Click here to download Bodily Function in MP3 converted from vinyl LPs

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From the album cover:

Out of the blue of the western sky…comes SKY KING!

That’s the way it all started back in the late 1930s.

For more than 30 years Sky King was to be America’s flying cowboy, proving week after week, on radio and television, that law and order always wins out over bad and evil.

Sky King was introduced to the American public in the 1940s as a radio series. Young people and their older brothers and sisters and mothers and dads gathered around the radio set to listen to Sky and the familiar hum of his aircraft, The Songbird.

From the Flying Crown Ranch, Sky, his niece Penny and nephew Clipper flew the skies and rode the trails, chasing an assortment of kidnappers, bank robbers and other assorted criminals.

The series moved to television in 1952, with Derby Foods syndicating Sky King in various markets. Nabisco bought the show in 1955 and moved it to the CBS network, where it maintained a spot at the top of the ratings for children’s shows through 1967, when Sky King retired from the airways.

Sky King is currently being syndicated through television stations across the nation and to worldwide outlets with programming beginning in the fall of 1975. A new color television series is also on the drawing boards, along with a brand-new radio series that will soon be heard once again. Sky King has been America’s most popular and famous Flying Cowboy.

These recordings include the original advertisements for Peter Pan Peanut Butter, who was the sponsor for the radio program. Apparently Peter Pan Peanut Butter is guaranteed to make you an all-around kickass kid with huge muscles and killer clout. I’m fairly certain these spots were originally written as menthol cigarette ads. When you listen, consciously insert “Camel Menthol 100′s” in place of “Peter Pan Peanut Butter”…it’s beautiful. And makes you want a peanut butter & tobacco sandwich.

Check out these ads from the 50s. I particularly like how the second one extols the healthy benefits of delicious egg nog.

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Click to download MP3 adventures of the machine gun-toting Sky King

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Bonus! I love the mysterious love note on the album sleeve from SilverFox to SkyQueen

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Adorable

Within potato cannon range of San Francisco lies a mysterious city called Oakland. I know very little about this sparsely inhabited wasteland. Mostly what I hear comes from the empty mouths of shrunken old women at BART stations. They tell stories I wouldn’t believe in dreams.

From their tales I’ve gathered a few key pieces of information. Supposedly the low-lying areas are inhabited by an athletic tribe of raiders that frequently demolishes the city in response to the cruel conditions within the fiefdom. This active rebellion generally blossoms at the Foot Locker, where frothing marauders flood the storefront until the collective appetite is whetted with fresh pairs of pillaged Jordans.

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The women tell me that when these maniacs aren’t stealing mad hops they generally snooze and laze the days away in a bubble of malevolent California heat. From time to time they escape this fever to San Francisco in canoes fashioned from discarded Street Sheet newspapers. While in the city they practice the traditional Oaklandish religious rite of taking frothy red shits at the top of the Embarcadero Station escalator.

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There are other stories of which I’ve only heard in passing:

That the premium pumps at Oakland gas stations dispense a blinding blend of bum wine for two pents a gallon.

That women were outlawed within the the city during the 1970′s. Any of the fairer sex who mistakenly stumble past the outer boundaries are quickly captured, bound with fine silk strands secreted from the Oaklandish male’s prostate, and fed live to chomping Oaklandish larvae.

And that the people of Oakland still use Myspace.

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Adorable.

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But there’s a part of me that thinks all of these stories are simply fabrications to keep us gullible San Frannies out of a hidden paradise. If Oakland is populated solely by a pillaging, all-male, insect-hybrid mob then how did such a phenomenal lady-birthed album emerge from its murky depths? Had those hollow-faced women lied to me all along? Who’s controlling these hyphens? Where are my car keys?!

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Could it be that just across the frigid bay lies a city filled with brilliant artistic promise? A city of unparalleled beauty and personal freedom? Where the sidewalks glow, not dissimilar to the fashion of Billy Jean? Where people don’t rock rollerblades, unicycles, and Segways while listening to Maroon 5 on stock iPod headphones like it’s no big deal…because believe me it’s a huge fucking deal?

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One of these days, when I’m feeling particularly brave, I will hop in my much neglected automobile and drive across the big gray bitch that is the Bay Bridge. I’ll shift into fifth, crest through the fog, and the powerfully angelic voice of Merrill Garbus will blast my soul like Moroni’s trumpet. Within the city limits I’ll be stopped by a gang of breathtaking eunuch crossing guards who’ll fetch my spirit’s fleshy temple from the drivers side and hoist its bobbing limbs sunward. The pleasure of knowing absolute sound–sound so pure you could drink it, piss it, and drink it again–will truly be mine. And I’ll all have a good cry.

Because that’s what you do when enjoying a really happy surprise.

You cry.

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Click here to peep perhaps the best album of the year. And then purchase a copy of your own because this is a keeper.

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It needs to be pointed out that some portion of this album was recorded in Dolores Park in San Francisco. Where this happened.

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This album was released in 1960. The Mormons, or the Church of Jesus Chris of Latter-Day Saints, didn’t give black male members the power to bless their families, baptise their children, or marry in the temple until 1978. Yes, you read correctly, the Priesthood was withheld exclusively from men of African and Asian descent until 1978. Somehow the Mormon PR machine has done an incredible job of keeping their history of sanctioned racism under wraps, even while they have a candidate running for president.

So, in lamentation of this religion’s contemporary racism, here are the five worst racist quotes from LDS leaders and their segregation-of-the-soul soundtrack.

But first a little background. The Mormons, for 148 years, were hell-bent in the belief of the “Mark of Cain”. Basically, they believed that anyone with rich reserves of melatonin is a direct descendant of Cain, the world’s first murderer. Supposedly God turned Cain, along with every member of his direct lineage, black as punishment for his unforgivable sin. According to Mormons this sin, and skin, prohibited them from rejoicing fully in the fruits of God’s love.

Officially Mormons reversed their racist doctrine during the heyday of disco but this is one of those instances where you have to call no take backs.

Read more about this absurd doctrine here.

5) Apostle & Editor of Salt Lake City’s daily newspaper Deseret News – Mark E. Petersen

What would Jesus do?

Can we account in any other way for the birth of some children of God in darkest Africa, or flood-ridden China, or among the starving hordes in India, while some of the rest of us are born here in the United States? We cannot escape the conclusion that because of performance in our pre-existence some of us are born as Chinese, some as Japanese, some as Latter-day Saints. These are rewards and punishments…a Chinese, born in China with a dark skin, and with all the handicaps of that race seems to have little opportunity.

– Apostle Mark E. Petersen at the Convention of Teachers of Religion, BYU, Utah, August 27, 1954

4) Apostle & Utah State Representative –  George F. Richards

I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t preach racial hatred.

The Negro is an unfortunate man. He has been given a black skin. But that is as nothing compared with that greater handicap that he is not permitted to receive the Priesthood and the ordinances of the temple, necessary to prepare men and women to enter into and enjoy a fullness of glory in the celestial kingdom.”

-Apostle George F. Richards at General Conference, April 1939

3) Prophet, Father to 34 Children, & British Expatriate – John Taylor

He said something about loving one another, and growing beards…but definitely not neck beards.

After the flood we are told that the curse that had been pronounced upon Cain was continued through Ham’s wife, as he had married a wife of that seed. And why did it pass through the flood? Because it was necessary that the devil should have a representation upon the earth as well as God.

– Prophet John Taylor from Journal of Discourses Vol 22, pg. 305, August 28, 1881.

2) Prophet, First Governer of Utah, & namesake of the NCAA Basketball sweethearts BYU – Brigham Young

It’s hard to forget the past when said past is filled with such complete and utter dick moves.

“Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African Race? If the White man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.”

– Brigham Young from Journal of Discourses, pg. 109-110, March 8, 1863

1) Prophet & US Secretary of Agriculture – Ezra Taft Benson

Yep. Soak it all in.

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Click here to download Mormon Hymns at 320 kbps

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